No Batteries Provided

2007-04-08T08:18:00.000+01:00

I know it's been a while, but just thought I'd drop a line or 2 (or a hundred!) to keep you guys updated on moi :) So I have been traveling the world for the last month. I've been to Albany & New York City, then I was in KL, then I was in Melbourne, and now I'm back in KL. And tomorrow I'll be off to London again. Every fortnight I board a plane and off I go to another place. It's been exciting and full of fun! It was such a pleasure being on holiday, especially being on holiday with the one I love *mush*. Unfortunately the holiday is over and my boyfriend is still in Melbourne, while I trot back to London on my own... *tear tear*

I started my journey late February, and my journey ends tomorrow. I had so much fun, saw a few people I hadn't seen a long time, met a lot of cool people, did a lot of fun things, basically I had a blast. And I'm so sad it's all gonna end soon :( Back to work I go, back to dreadful London...

I used to love London, but recently it's become such a drag... cost of living in London is extremely high and at the salary I am at now, it's impossible to have the quality of life I would like to have. Hence my decision to move to Melbourne, which to some may seem like a drastic move, but I'm talking about my future and I want to have a comfortable future. Not a future where I'm constantly chasing money. I guess I've come to the stage where I just want to settle down and have a good life :) I suppose everyone wants a good life... I just want mine to start soon! How I wish I was just handed a big lump sum of money that would sort me out for the rest of my life. Wouldn't that be grand?

I've decided which path I want to take, now it's just about executing my decision. It's so depressing that the world evolves around money... In any case, I really do hope things work out for me. And I really really hope that my decision is the right one!

2007-02-07T13:49:00.000Z

It's cramming time! Yes, I am frantically, well not really frantically, but some what haphazardly trying to cram for the New York Bar exam. I think I have successfully revised for Criminal Law and Procedures - having read through all the notes and listened to all the recorded lectures. I thought I had quite a good grasp of criminal law and so attempted to do 10 MCQs... and I got 5 correct. LOL... I really DO need a miracle at this point.

I'm not gonna let this exam spoil my holiday to New York! I'll just pretend I'm taking this exam incidental to my holiday in New York hehe...

So nothing much has happened as I have now put myself on house arrest, apart from going to work. Revision is going slowly but surely. Hopefully by the day of the exam I will have read through all topics... that's all I can hope for now. To MASTER the subjects is far from achievable at this rate. Thank god for my knowledge of english common law! Never thought I'd EVER say that :p

Well, I suppose I should get back to revision. Oh and the funny thing is, I've been watching and listening to recorded lectures every where I go, over my MP3 player, on my computer, and as all the tutors are american (of course) I suddenly hear american accents every where! Never have I noticed so many americans/canadians as I have in the last week. Maybe I'm just hallucinating :p I'm gonna start listening to my lectures in my sleep too, in hopes of soaking in the information via osmosis... lol... desperate attempts eh?

2007-01-27T12:12:00.000Z

And back into the blogging world I come! 2 entries within a week? Must be a miracle! Yes, a miracle that I'm actually sitting in front of my computer, bored and sick. The boyfriend has gone up to Manchester to sit in Old Trafford and freeze his tits off (probably won't be that cold) and watch Man U against whoever they're playing against. I don't give a shit :p This is the first time he's gone to an "event" and hasn't taken me along! Not that he didn't want to, tickets are hard to come by and I was supposed to have mock exams today. However, as you can see, I am not sitting for my mocks, instead I'm sitting here, re-entering the blog world. Why? Because I'm not prepared for mocks hence decided it would be a waste of time to take an exam where I'd only be sitting there wondering when I can leave. I should get started with revising for the actual exam at some point today, seeing as it's the only day where I have NO distractions. This no-boyfriend-around situation is very new to me. We hardly ever spend more than a few hours apart, unless we're at work. But if we're not, we're together. Talk about being joined at the hip! Indeed we are, and we're proud of it! LOL

I used to bag people for being inseparable with their other-halves, but now I'm the culprit. I'm such a hypocrite eh?

Meanwhile, I'm trying to wrap myself in my duvet and type at the same time. Don't think it's working as I only end up with one hand free. And that one hand is freezing! I refuse to turn my radiator on because it gets too hot. So I'm stuck trying to negotiate the best position for me and my duvet, and the optimum method of insulating heat. -_-

Since my last post (which was only two days ago, I think), I think I've been re-bitten by the blog bug. Blogging can be such a good release if stressed out. Rant away! Vent away! When things were a lot simpler in life, I used to have the time to blog nonsense, email nonsense etc... and that kinda led it to become stale gradually. Now that I haven't done all this in a while, this form of self-expression has regained some new interest in me. I know no one ever reads my blog anymore, which is partly the appeal of this coz I know that one day one of my friends is gonna think "hey, whatever happened to Gin&Tonic's blog?? Let me have a look" and lo and behold, there'll be at least 2 new entries :) hehe... might be months old by then, but still new nonetheless.

So what's new in my life? Well as I said before in my not-so-long-ago post, I'm at a crossroads. I've been at this crossroads for about 3 weeks now, and I'm still no closer to making my mind up. What else... The New York State Bar Exam is next month!!!!!!11111113333333666666 I'm fucked. Then, there's my gradually feigning interest in work. I remember the days when I was so enthusiastic about going to work. But now... that enthusiasm is fading... fading... fading... Don't get me wrong, I still CARE about work. I still wanna do my best and all that. But the enthusiasm I once had has already gone. Work is now stressful, no longer fun. I still feel good when a sale/purchase goes through and I get to see a completion. It's like when an accountant balances an account! It's a eureka moment :) And really in my field, that's all you're waiting for, the eureka moment, because really your work has no meaning. I merely facilitate the buying and selling of property. I'm the middle man who does all the paper work. What meaning does that job have? Having the title "Lawyer/Attorney/Solicitor" means fuck all at the end of the day. I was thinking about what Steph said about getting a professional title the other day, on the one hand I totally agree that getting a professional title is not easy and not many people have the opportunity either. But really, throw a stone and you might hit 10 lawyers these days, how hard must it be? I can do it, I'm almost there for heaven's sake! So how hard CAN it be? And all I do is PAPERWORK. Yes, I admit that it's not JUST paperwork. And yes, there's a lot of brain work that actually goes into it. But honestly... HONESTLY... what does my work mean in the big scheme of things? Money. That's what it means. And that's all it means.

Okay, after all this ranting and whining about my "professional" job. I'll stop here before someone throws a stone at me and actually hits me :p (well really it'll only hit me when I fully qualify, but then again I'm almost there anyways!) I might get bored in a few hours and come back to vent some more, we'll see!

2007-01-25T13:31:00.000Z

It has definitely been a while since I last posted anything here. Due to a busy work schedule, a busy life schedule, a busy everything schedule, I have found myself being online less and less. Probably is a good thing that I'm not surfing the net 24/7 like I used to. Now I only use the internet for emails, research, booking tickets and the occasional MSN conversation. Of course that's largely due to the fact that most of the day I'm stuck at work. Not today though! I called in sick (second time this month!! My boss is starting to hate me...) because I had a sore throat this morning. I know I know, not much of an illness to be taking sickies, but hey, they don't pay me if I don't work, so I see it as fair and square. Plus the fact that I have mocks this weekend, for which I have not studied for at all! The bar exams are next month and I am not even remotely prepared. Must be why I'm getting ill as well because I'm constantly stressing out about it. At the moment I have trouble deciding what's more important, work or the exams?

I'm trying to take the exam as stress-free as possible, the way I see it, if I fail these exams, it's not going to have a major impact on my life, seeing as I don't intend on practicing in the States anyways. If I pass these exams, then in order for these exams to fully be advantageous to me, I'd have to take another set of exams in August so that I am fully qualified as an attorney. As it stands, there's little chance I'm going to pass it. But wouldn't it be great if I did? hehe...

I'm at a crossroads in my life at the moment. For once I have "grown-up" problems. It's difficult when you have to make a decision based on not just yourself, but someone else's wellbeing as well. Imagine having kids! Then my life will never be mine again :p It's weird having to decide on where I'd like to buy a house or bring up a family or be for good even. I have been bouncing around KL and London for the last 5 years and then suddenly I'm thinking of moving to Melbourne. Fickle I know... but life is like that isn't it? It throws you curve balls every once in a while and you have to deal with it, either you catch it, or you let it go. I just made up an analogy that is so relevant to myself! How profound hehe... I can't decide if I wanna catch that curve ball or not. Either way someone has to let go of something. How do you decide who does it?

Nonetheless it's a privileged crossroads as I see it. Either way I go, I know I'm going to be happy. Not many people have the opportunity to make decisions like these, but I do and I should be grateful for it. I AM grateful for it. But sometimes don't you just wish there were less choices so that you'd spend less time worrying about what to choose, instead of just going for something?

2006-12-01T00:26:00.000Z

It sure has been a while, it's almost like I've never blogged before. Gone are the days when I had silly amounts of free time (or boredom as people call it) to just sit in front of my computer and rant. I do miss those days! Really though, on most days I'm grateful I'm as busy as I am these days.

These days, my time is taken up by work, classes and boyfriend. 24 hours used to just enough, and sometimes it was too much. But these days, it never feels as though there are 24 hours in a day. In fact I'd be lucky to see an hour's worth of daylight nowadays! The only time I see day light is when I'm going to work (10 minutes to the tube station and 5 minutes to the office) and when I'm on my way home (5 minutes from the office to the station and 10 minutes from station to flat). And that's only when I manage to leave work on time. My part-time hours never ever seem like they're just part-time. I work from 10am - 3pm, 4 days a week and yet I feel like I never am apart from work. I go to classes (when I can be bothered/can muster up the motivation) on Saturday and Sunday from 10am - around 3 or 4pm, and that pretty much sums up my week. I have no time for blogging any more as my one day off a week is usually taken up by doing house work or running errands like going to the bank or the post office or the supermarket. I am with my boyfriend when I'm not at work or class or running errands, and I go to bed usually before midnight.

I lead a very different lifestyle from what it used to be. Some times it does feel like I've suddenly grown up, and things like going out drinking and clubbing and all that seems rather trivial. Don't get me wrong, I would absolutely LOVE the chance to be able to go out and get completely wasted if I didn't have to worry about work or classes. But the need to go out nowadays has significantly diminished. I guess that's part of growing up. I do feel like work is consuming though, nonetheless I do enjoy it. It always gives me a sense of achievement, that is, when things go right. When things don't though, it frustrates me and I often dwell on it even when I've left work. Note to self: don't bring work home!

It is quite pleasing to see a paycheck in reward of your efforts though, no matter how meager the figure might be (and in my case it IS meager!). Today, I received my first ever paycheck! Time to celebrate you might think but of course I don't have the energy to pick up a gin & tonic anymore, sad I know. Not to say that I would be able to afford many gin & tonics!

Classes are going fine, nothing much to report on that front apart from the fact that I've registered to take the New York Bar exam already and there's no turning back for me now! Next February I'll be in Albany, New York, freezing my tits off and trying to sit for an exam in a completely foreign environment. Much to anticipate!

And when it's not work or class, it's my lovely boyfriend, who is the only thing that keeps me sane right now. It's odd how it's only been a few months and we feel totally at ease and comfortable with each other. I guess when it's real there's nothing to be uneasy about. When there's nothing to be uneasy about there's no fear.

However, my lovely boyfriend has undutifully abandoned me tonight for cricket. It's The Ashes and Australia and England are battling it out to see who is the best in the most gentlemanly sport in the world (besides lawn bowling hehe). I have no desire whatsoever to sit through months of cricket with him so I have "allowed" him to go watch it with his brother, without my company. So here I am, blogging, as I await his return. The only fucked up thing about The Ashes this year is that it's being held in Australia and the matches always start at 12am UK time. So I won't be expecting his return anytime before 2am.

This is probably the only time I'm ever really alone! We have been spending so much time together I think we've almost forgotten how to be alone. I suppose the first few months of a relationship aren't called the "honeymoon" months for nothing. But I do hope that this so-called honeymoon period doesn't go away. We enjoy being together and choose to spend every possible waking (and sleeping) minute together, and it doesn't look like that'll change in the future *fingers crossed*.

Well, I guess that's that for an update. I'll possibly blog in another few weeks or months hehe... so stay tuned! (or don't bother!)

2006-10-02T15:35:00.000+01:00

I'm back in London! The flight back was absurdly long but I survived and very nearly ran off the plane as soon as they opened the door. I beat the crowd to the immigration control and also baggage reclaim area so I was out of there within half an hour. After 5 weeks of seperation it was good to see John again and the reunion has been great!

It is a little odd to be back, as it always is, but I'm sure I'll get in the hang of things soon enough. I've spent all day indoors today as I'm still recovering from jet lag, nonetheless I have managed to be productive so I've unpacked and I've cleaned the flat a little. Hoorah for waking up early! hehe...

The next time I go home will (hopefully) be in December for Christmas and hopefully again I'll be able to get John to go with me. My parents (well my dad at least) has given his consent to that and by God was I totally freaked about how he would react. But he took it completely in his stride and just told me that it was my life and that he had no objections! Go daddy!! *grins*

Anyhoo I better get going coz dearest Johnny is making me some food coz I'm too jet lagged to cook hehehe... Laterz!

2006-09-23T16:39:00.000+01:00

Whoa has it been long or what???

Since being back in Malaysia, there hasn't been much time for me to sit in front of the computer and write a legitimate entry. But since today's been my 1st official "off" day, I thought I might as well. Otherwise my blog might soon shut down on me :p

So since I've been back I've truly been on a "cuti-cuti Malaysia" type trip. Lindsay was here with me the first two and a half weeks so I was busy taking her around, showing her all the sights and sounds of Malaysia. I myself had a great time taking her around because I never had the opportunity to go to so many places within M'sia myself.

After Lindsay left I've been pestering Elaine and Steph (as much as I can), and we do nothing but shop, eat and sleep. I should put Eat x infinity coz that's what we do most of the time! In no time it'll be time for Elaine's brother's wedding and I won't be able to breath in my outfit :S Oh well, it's not as if it's my wedding so I have no reason to worry about looking good really haha... My only worry is that when I get back to London, John won't be able to recognize me at the airport!! Losing weight in this country is no easy task, with all the good (and fatty) food here, it's almost impossible! That's why I've given up haha...

Anyways, I have only a week left here and it'll be time to board the plane, yet again, back to London. I must admit that the first few weeks back in M'sia I did feel a little uneasy and didn't feel truly at home. But after being here for 4 weeks, it's starting to feel more homely, more like normal. It's always case though huh? By the time you get used to something/some place, it's always time to leave. I will feel sad when it's time to leave, but I am also looking forward to going back to London to resume my life there.

So far, it's been a great holiday, as it always is; but it always pains me when I know the older I get the more "adult" my decisions get. I hate having to decide where I want to be, or what I want to do, or what I want even. It's just all so serious. I wish I was a kid again when everything was simple, black and white. Now, things are so much more complicated and involves so much more responsibility. It's hard facing the reality that I am no more a child, but a full grown adult. Funny that I'm only realizing this in my almost-mid-twenties!

2006-08-27T01:07:00.000+01:00

A short update of all on-goings in my life -

1. Friday was my last day at work, everybody expressed their appreciation for all I've done and wished that I would go back there after my holiday. I've basically been offered a part-time position there and I think I will take it! It's been a good 4-week experience and I feel like I've learnt a lot. Suddenly I don't feel like all my legal training has been in vain anymore... seeing it in action really validates the last 5 years of my life :)

2. I got my visa approved!! FOR A WHOLE YEAR!!! My case worker was a little sceptical about the chances of it even being approved, let alone for a whole year! I really appreciate all her efforts and her patience with me. My papers and documents were all a mess and she still stuck by me and tried her best. If anyone ever has a problem with visas and immigration matters in the UK, you should definitely try Global Visas. They are pricey but it's well worth the money in the end!

3. Had a great night on Friday as John, Neil, Jason and I went to Turnmills (again!). Music was actually quite shit but we had fun nonetheless. It was sorta my "farewell" do so it was nice to have a little fun before I leave.

4. John and Neil moved into their new place on Thursday! It's about a 10-minute walk from mine and it's lovely. Big lounge, big kitchen, big rooms. Not too shabby and to think we found it within 2 days of looking.

5. Flying off to KL tomorrow night. I can't wait! Even though I'm sad to leave John for 4 weeks, I really need to go home to see the family and my friends. I've missed Malaysia a lot and being away for a whole year (longest in the last 4 years!) really has made me miss it more than usual.

Well that's that then. I'm off to bed... I'm half packed as half of my stuff has just come out of the washing machine :p Next time I blog it'll probably be from KL :) Ciaos bambinos!

2006-08-20T10:44:00.000+01:00

It's been absolutely aaaaaages since I last made an entry! I've been busy, lazy and busy. Since BlackMuffin and Liangwanwen haven't exactly been the best at updating their blog I thought I'd join in on the laziness too. But watching our blogs just collect dust like that (especially after I painstakingly redesigned Liangwanwen's blog and my own!), my heart bled every time I looked at our blogs *bleeding heart*. But bleed no more as I am going to break that lazy/busy streak and actually post something! *rejoice*

Just a little update on how I've been doing, not that anyone cares but really I haven't much else to talk about. I am still on work experience, 3 weeks on and I feel like I've learnt a hell of a lot! Being in the criminal department sure is interesting. Not that I'd like to do that my whole life but no one can say it's boring in that department. I've met many a criminals and all of them our clients :p It's funny how some criminals know more about the criminal justice system than we, inexperienced solicitors do! But then they've been involved in that "industry" for far longer than we have.

Another week of work experience and I'm off to Malaysia! Hoorah! The only worrying thing is that I haven't been able to finish up my visa application as yet. My new college is being a bitch in sending the papers I need from them and as much as I push them, they still fail to fulfill my requests. My bank too, is pissing me off. I asked for statements and yes, they sent the statements but with the wrong dates! How HARD is it to give me statements from the last 3 months?! Especially when I specifically stated the months I needed. So now I'll have to just go online and print off my statements myself and explain to the bloody Home Office (again!) that my bank fucked up and I had to resort to printing my statements. The ONLY party that has been perfectly efficient in this whole debacle has been my old college. They are the best at paperwork I reckon. But then again I might've just been lucky with who was handling my paperwork :) Nonetheless they've done a good job! Thank goodness I paid the Home Office extra to get my visa done in a day. Otherwise I'd be screwed!

Anyways, let's hope that I'll receive my letter from my new college by tomorrow, or else I'm storming into college and demanding a letter!

Anyhoo, on to nicer things... apart from my worries about my visa, everything else seems to be going sweet as! John and his brother, Neil, have found a new flat and will be moving in there by next week. It's only about 10 minute walk from mine! Yay! hehe... By the sounds of it it's a pretty cool place, can't wait to see it! Hehe... It sucks that I have to work until Friday, which means I only have Friday night and Saturday morning to spend with John before I fly off to Malaysia. I am very tempted to actually change my flight to Sunday so that I have an extra day with him. It wouldn't make much of a difference anyways coz my parents think I'm arriving on the 29th! hehe... little trick I'm playing on them to give them a little surprise. Gotta keep them old people on their toes so they stay sharp! Lol...

John's been living with me for the past 2 weeks now and things are great. Think he's the first guy I've ever could live with for an extended period of time and not get increasingly agitated. I guess it helps that both of us are working most of the time and so the only time we see each other is after work and before work. The only problem with this arrangement is my flatmate. She's been stressed out to the max due to her impending dissertation deadline approaching very soon. She's due to hand it in in a few days and I guess the distraction of having 2 other people here is too much for her to handle. We try to keep quiet most of the time and actually leave the flat in order for her to have some space but sometimes it's pretty hard to just sit in the room quietly and do nothing. Oh well, it'll all be over soon!!!

Friday night was an absolute blast! We had a group of about 15 people and we all went to Turnmills :) The lineup was crazy with Tall Paul, Markus Shultz and Andy Moor playing back to back. I must say that Tall Paul was great! I kow tow to him for owning such an amazing club like Turnmills. I think I might just be a regular there til the day I die hehe... I love that place way too much. But only on a Friday night!!! hehe... It was slighty odd that day as I was with John, he had to meet my ex, Jon and I had to meet Jon's ex, D. It was surely the ex-factor night. Not to mention I met my flatmate's ex there too. Oh the history! Funny thing was, I got along with D's sister, K a little too well haha... it was odd but I didn't care, I was there to make friends, not enemies! D and Jon left early so I didn't really speak to them much. Jason and K stayed however, and we got to talking and that was that. I'm looking forward to the next big outing, which probably will be next Friday, my little send-off as it were :) As awkward as it could've been, things were relatively normal. John and I had a blast, everybody else had a blast, and we all left the club happy! Great music, great company and a great atmosphere can seriously lift a person's spirits. Although the only downside to it is that all night I spent shouting in people's ear and in addition to the cough I've already developed, I've lost my voice completely. I can still speak, but whether or not people can hear me is a whole different issue. Gah... when will this end!?

*cough cough cough cough cough cough*

Bleh.

Righty ho, I should go get ready to have some breakfast. Mmm... eggs and bacon... mmm.... Take care my peeps!

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2006-08-01T00:32:00.000+01:00

Just a short update:

1. Moved into a new place, loving my new flatmate, loving my big room *grins*, and loving the fact that there's no traffic noise in my new place :)
2. Had an interview last thursday, succeeded and tomorrow I'll be starting my internship in a small law firm in Brixton - woohoo! (excited but dread the fact that I have to work for the next 4 weeks)
3. Got my LPC results today - bad news: failed 2 papers, so I have to resit them next June. Fuck. Double fuck because my parents sounded VERY disappointed
4. John's coming back to London on Thursday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111oneoneoneone *big big grin*

Anyways, that's all really. I've had a fun week with Lindsay moving and going out but good times will be ending soon. Especially when I start work *cringe*... oh well... life is never easy eh?

2006-07-25T21:36:00.000+01:00

Just as I thought that bad things were happening to me, two good things happen :) Firstly, my mom tells me that she's pulled a string (hoping to lead to more strings being pulled) for me to get into Ernst & Young. She called me excitedly, in fact I think she is more excited than I am, to tell me all about how she managed to pull them strings. Then shortly after my mom called, I received another phone call. Turns out, one of the million job applications I sent out has actually been read! I've been invited for an interview for work experience at law firm :) Yay me! First successful application so far and I'm getting more and more nervous the more I think about it. The interview's on Thursday and I was worrying about what to wear, seeing as the weather these days obviously does not facilitate wearing a suit. But then again what else would you wear to an interview at a law firm??? Thank goodness I invested in a suit last year, thinking that I WAS going to attend interviews in the summer; not only was it cheap, the material is light and perfect for this super hot summer.

I am still stressed about my visa situation as now the consultant tells me that it'll take at least 5-7 weeks, that means that it'll interfere with my travel plans to go home! *sigh* Now I either have to find a way to speed up my application, OR find a way to extend my return ticket. Either of which will ultimately cost me more money. It's always money in this world isn't it? Why can't things just be free??? Or why can't I just be a millionaire???

Oh and I'm moving house this week! Woohoo! The packing is going alright, I was a little stumped in the beginning when I had no idea where to start. But once I started going it got easier and easier. Had a few people come view my room today and my flatmate seems to have already picked a favorite. Seems like there'll be no problems filling the soon-to-be vacant room. I'm glad that I'm moving to a bigger room though because this room was getting a little cramped for me. I'm really psyched about moving into my new place too coz I really get along with my new flatmate! :D *does a jig* Anyhoos, I think I should get back to packing now. I really need some air conditioning over here!!

2006-07-25T12:24:00.000+01:00

WTF???

I am so sick and tired of ex girlfriends! Yeah you heard me, EX GIRLFRIENDS. My boyfriend's ex girlfriend, my ex boyfriend's ex girlfriend... they're all trouble if you ask me. ALL TROUBLE.

Firstly, I'm already not having the best day today because everything seems to be going wrong for me. And I believe it's bad karma, for me being mean to a certain someone, so I accept this bad karma. But not only am I having a bad day, my boyfriend's ex girlfriend decides to play some little game on him and tells him that I called her today. Why in the world would I do that? No, correction, HOW in the world would I do that? For one, I don't know her; two, I don't have her number; and three WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT? I don't know what stupid game she's playing and why she'd think that my boyfriend would believe her in the first place is beyond me. I'm up to my last straws with that woman and I'm so ready to pick a full on fight with her. She's already caused tension between me and my boyfriend before, and just when I thought things were dying down here she comes again with some kind of stupid story.

Fucking bitch!

I am soooo pissed off! I've never been so aggravated by an ex girlfriend before!

Now, the OTHER ex. My ex's ex girlfriend. Now she's a different story. She personally hasn't done anything to hurt or upset me. But her presence has. Blame should go to my ex, not her, but then she caused the situation to arise so I guess they can both share the blame. Seeing as now that I know that my ex broke up with me for the very reason that he still has feelings for his ex, I'm surprisingly fine with the whole idea of him trying to get back together with his ex and that she's living with him at the moment, AND that's they've just gone off to Ibiza together. Never mind that I'm still (well so I thought) good friends with my ex, I tolerate everything. I accept the fact that he didn't love me and wants to be with his ex. I've been nothing but understanding and accepting about this whole situation, I understand that you can't choose who you love.

My problem is that, since her arrival in this country, I've hardly seen my ex. Gone are the days when we used to meet up several times a week or hit the clubs all weekend; now he has to "make time" for me, which is never. I understand that having the "ex"'s meeting is less than a comfortable situation but come on, be a man and just stick it out. We're gonna meet at some point, unless he's determined for us to not be friends anymore, in which case I think would be a great loss to him. I've not only been beyond understanding, I still treat him as friend, and I would do anything in my capacity to help him with anything. But for him to just cast me aside like this and disregard our friendship really annoys me. And why has this happened? Because of an ex girlfriend.

I have had enough of dumb ass ex girlfriends. Ex girlfriend #1 should shove all her made-up shit up her ass and deal with the fact that he's now MY boyfriend and doesn't want to be with her. Ex girlfriend #2 should make up her bloody ass mind if she wants to be with my/her ex boyfriend already and quit screwing the poor boy around. And FYI I'm not excusing him for what he's done, so ex boyfriend should also stop screwing me about and decide whether he thinks our friendship is worth keeping or not.

There, that's my rant for today. By the way, did you know that I hate ex girlfriends!? Bitch ass...

2006-07-22T00:47:00.000+01:00

Right peeps, I am back from Belfast and I'm starting to hate London a little bit. It's too crowded, too noisy and too stressful. Just getting home from the airport today was a shock to the system, having to face so many people on the tubes, and not to mention the heat!!!

I spent a relaxing 3 days and 3 nights in Belfast and I felt so unwound and destressed. But ever since stepping into London grounds, I feel all wound up again! What makes it worse is the fact that I miss him by the truckload!! This is the first time in the last 2 weeks that we've been apart. Since meeting him we've spent the last 17 days with each other 24/7. Parting for mere hours at most. But today, when I left Belfast, and leaving him at the Departure gate, it felt like it was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do in my life. I'm not even trying to be mushy or soppy! It's the Buddha's honest truth. I really didn't want to leave, but I had to :(

I've texted him a gazillion times already since leaving his side (started while still in the Terminal in Belfast) and I've spoken to him at least 3 times since being back in London. It's only been 6 hours since we last saw each other. We've got a whole 2 or 3 weeks of being apart to endure, how is that gonna be possible at this rate? Then after that I've got to go back to Malaysia for a whole month, that's another 4 weeks of being apart!! I just don't know how I'm gonna be able to handle it.

It's a real strange but good feeling, knowing that you love someone with all your heart and that that person loves you back with all their heart too. I know it's only been 17 days and most people would call me crazy as it's rationally not possible to feel so strongly about someone in 17 days, but it's happened! I don't know how, I don't know why, but I don't really care to know how or why. All I know is that we love each other and wanna be with each other for as long as we live. Bit ambitious I know, being that we've only officially been together for less than 2 weeks, we've only actually KNOWN each other for 17 days. Crazy huh? I acknowledge the craziness, in fact we both acknowledge the craziness. But I must say this, meeting him was like meeting my soulmate. Dare I use that word even! Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like it was love at first sight, but within the first 24 hours of meeting him, I had already developed very strong feelings for him. And it was evident that he felt the same way. And off we went on our whirlwind romance!

I've never ever felt this way about someone before, nor have I ever been so sure about someone before either. Deep down I'm still the cynical person that I always was, but I've somehow (or rather he's somehow) managed to push all my cynisms aside for me and drag towards this beautiful thing called true love. It's a wonderful feeling, but I must say it sucks ass being apart. Nonetheless, it's an amazing feeling knowing that the love and respect I feel for him is totally and completely reciprocated. That's what it's all about isn't it?

2006-07-17T00:45:00.000+01:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything new... mostly because I've been pretty busy taking people around London and having lots of fun :)

Things have been great recently, nothing can go wrong almost! Which scares me a little coz I don't want anything to burst my happy little bubble... sigh... It's funny how things happen so suddenly, especially when you least expect it. I don't want to speak about it too much in case something bad does happen and I'll probably feel really stupid when it does.

Nonetheless I will have no qualms in basking in the glory of my own happiness, and his :) It's the best feeling in the world and I can't stop smiling. Falling in love is great, you guys should try it too ;) hehe...

Am off to Belfast for a few days on Tuesday, so til then good pie!

2006-06-29T03:28:00.000+01:00

After toiling away for hours on Steph's blog, I've finally achieved something that I think she'll like. It's not complete yet, but it's at it's most basic form that'll serve it's purpose, at least for now :) Most of the time was spent figuring out how to understand html codes and edit them to suit my (or rather her) needs. I've been staring at the monitor for more than 5 hours now, and 3 of them was spent on editing her blog! Say it ain't so!

I have a sore spot on my left shoulder, I am sitting in the dark and I've been staring at a glowing monitor for the last 5 hours, how much better can my life get??? *note the sarcasm*

I shall not blog about what's been happening tonight as I'm knackered; but do check out Steph's brand-spanking new blog layout - courtesy of moi :) I hope she likes it!

2006-06-22T15:02:00.000+01:00

Your Birthdate: October 24

You understand people well and are a natural born therapist.
A peacemaker, people always seem to get along when you are around.
You tend to be a father or mother figure to friends, even to those older than you.
You enjoy your role, and you find that you are close to many people.

Your strength: Your devotion

Your weakness: Reliance on others for happiness

Your power color: Lilac

Your power symbol: Heart

Your power month: June

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

2006-06-22T13:34:00.000+01:00

Picture time!!! Here's a picture-account of my day out yesterday :) Not many pics, but you get the general idea...

Mun & I in Chiquitos - Mun's slightly one the red side (as much as I tried to whiten it out by editing the colors) because she's had one too many sips of her glass of Sangria hehe...

Sheena & I in Chiquitos

Sheena & Mun in Chiquitos (I wonder if you're starting to get where we are... hehe)

Now all together: "In Chiquitos!!!" hehe...

Guess where we are now??? Yup! Haagen Dazs... mmm....
(L) Strawberry Summer (??) - have no idea what it was called but it looked fucking awesome
(R) Chocoholic - can't you tell??

Praline Caramel Crunch - mine, all mine!!!

Can't you see our contented faces? So contented we forgot to take a picture with Sheena... hee...
(it also seems as though I've already put on weight from all the food!! Damn it!)

2006-06-22T00:04:00.000+01:00

Thu Jun 22: Lasting Love

Your ego might be too hard for your associates to handle right now. Some issues need to be dealt with quickly or the situation could be blown out of proportion. When it comes to dealing with people that are close to you, do whatever you can in order to sway their opinions your way. You finally realise that love can be lasting after all. Auspicious colours are black velvet and red satin. Lucky numbers are 31 and 38.

I highly doubt any of those things predicted in my horoscope for tomorrow will happen. Especially the one where I'm supposed to finally realise that love can be lasting... ppfffttt... how exactly am I supposed to do that when I have no "love" in my life at the moment? Am I supposed to suddenly stumble upon the love of my life tomorrow? Who's to say, I might not even leave the flat, so how's that gonna happen?

Ok ok I sound a little bitchy today. I don't really know why, nor do I care to analyse why. I guess I'm just disappointed that I won't be going clubbing anytime this week. Seeing as my clubbing-buddy has so sorely let me down this week... sigh... sometimes I really wish I had more friends. This seriously sucks ass.

Anyways, apart from that, I actually had a pretty nice day today. Had lunch with Steph and Sheena, with dessert to boot! (Courtesy of Haagen Dazs :D) And then a little spot of shopping with Steph and it was home for me. We were supposed to go to the Penthouse for the "official Ne-Yo after concert party", but that got cancelled *rolls eyes*. Bloody stupid clubs... Oh well... Hence this week, for no legitimate reason, it seems I'll be "clubbing-free". Fuck.

Maybe I should go take the number 38 bus or something tomorrow... might bring me some luck *rolls eyes*. Fuck.

2006-06-19T23:47:00.000+01:00

Uggghhhh, I've just realized just how absolutely-fucking-whiny I am! *Look of disgust* I almost can't help it! Bleuuuggghhhh... oh my dear readers (if there are even any!) please forgive me! Boredom and lack of a life with substance causes the whiner in me to emerge.

Please note that I AM actually disgusted with myself ok? So let's just forgive and forget :)

2006-06-19T22:16:00.000+01:00

Didn't I predict my own fate? I told myself that I'd be bored this week, and look at me, I'm bored. I told me so!

No one has so much as even texted me all day. My phone has been eerily quiet today *peers at phone*, as if it's on holiday or something. But I check it every so often just to make sure it's still working and that I don't actually have a text message that I didn't hear come in. Of course, there's none, and yes the phone's working just fine. Bleh.

I've been so bored today that I almost wished that I had classes to go to. Having nothing to do is seriously taxing. I've been trying to keep my mind occupied but that's hard too.

Due to the extreme boredom, I've been doing some thinking. Mostly about my relationship with my ex. We're good mates and things are great between us. No fuss, no muss. The last 2 weeks he's been a star and ever since I finished my exams he's been great to spend time with, even bought me a fancy dinner to "celebrate" the end of my exams. It gets me wondering... some people say men and women can't be "just friends". I don't know if I believe that, or maybe it's because I don't want to believe it. To be honest I've never had such a close relationship with a guy before, without being in a romantic relationship or at least a physical one. With other guys, even when I tried to keep it platonic, the guy would almost always drift away because without the physical side of it, there isn't much point in keeping a relationship anyways. At least that's what I think it is.

With my ex, the lines are a little bit blurred because we've BEEN in a romantic relationship before, but that didn't work. However, the only reason (or so I think it's the only reason) it didn't work was because he still had feelings for his ex. This is where everything starts getting complicating. His ex is now living with him (on a temporary basis), and even though they're still ex-es, I feel uneasy. A friend of mine asked if I still had feelings for my ex, and if I'm being totally honest with myself, I think the answer's yes. Otherwise why would I feel so uneasy about the situation? I don't necessarily love him or want to get back together with him, but I do feel strangely possessive over him. I wonder if that's normal?

I don't know. All I know is, that when she's around (she was away the past 2 weeks) I don't really get to see my ex, or as I'd like to think of him as one of my best friends - it feels like someone's taking away my friend. Sigh... maybe I'm just over-thinking things... maybe I'm just not being truly and wholly honest with myself... maybe I do still love him? Maybe it's better that we don't spend so much time with each other. It clouds my mind, it clouds my judgment, it clouds my everything.

Maybe it's time to find new friends...

2006-06-13T00:36:00.000+01:00

I've had enough drama involving men!

I guess it's just a coincidence that it involves men but I'm starting to think that all men are loonies! What happened today is bordering on insane. I feel so violated and so betrayed I almost can't think straight!

Okay, so what happened was... I was talking to Admirer on MSN again today. He was drunk and wanted me to "accompany" him while he got even more drunk. I told him that I have an exam tomorrow morning so won't be able to get drunk with him. He continued to plead with me and kept asking me WHY I couldn't come out. As I had explained several times that I had an exam I started to get really irritated. Then he said that I was being mean to him because I wouldn't go out with him. Oh, never mind that I have an exam tomorrow morning. My LAST exam too for that matter. Of course I'm going to throw everything aside to sit by his side and watch him get drunk. Pffttt!

After much irritating conversation (if you can call it that), he then begins to say things like "Fine, I'll let you revise then" then logs off, then logs back on to tell me this golden nugget *paraphrased because I don't remember his exact words*:

"By the way, I received an email that you wrote a couple of weeks ago, comparing me and *A*, the pics were a great touch."

And to this, I was shocked. Of course immediately I knew what he was referring to but I never sent that email to him. It was an email to my best friends, where of course I WAS comparing him and to another admirer I had. That's what girls do! We GOSSIP! So I tried to act like I didn't know what he was talking about because I didn't want him to catch me out (in case he was bluffing), and he CUT AND PASTED parts of the email into our MSN window. Now THAT was horrifying. I recognized all my words as I was trying to check my gmail account to verify whether I had indeed sent it to him by mistake. As I was checking my email, I couldn't reply to him, to which he thought that I was probably cowering hence not answering. Fuck that! I was trying to figure out how he got that email!

Anyways, as I was checking my email sentbox, he logged off, not giving me a chance to say anything in return. I confirmed that I hadn't sent that email to him, intentionally nor unintentionally, so how in the WORLD did he get it? I texted him to tell him that I had indeed written that email but it was never meant for him to see, and I hadn't sent it to him. He logged back onto MSN just to tell me "No you didn't send it, someone else did", and then said "I didn't want to mention it before because I valued you as a friend too much, but now I dunno". "good luck with trying to stay in the country and I will truly miss you". *END OF CONVERSATION*

It was like being told off for not doing anything wrong! How is writing an email to my best friends, yes, containing details of him and other people, WRONG? When I never intended ANYONE to see it but my very best friends??? Whom I tell EVERYTHING to???

Now, I sent this email to 3 other people. So the most logical conclusion would be that one of those 3 other people sent it to him. But the flaw in that logic is... that those 3 other people don't know who he is! They don't know him personally, so how would they send it to him. And more importantly, WHY would they? There's no reason for any of them to communicate with him nor would they EVER betray my trust. So what's the next most logical conclusion???? I'm guessing that he's probably been checking my email account.

That's all I have. No other explanation. I suspect that he's been doing it for a while now. And because I had been having a sneaky feeling that someone was messing with my email account, I actually changed my password last week. Coincidence or what?

I have lost all respect for that guy. I have not one drop of good feelings towards him anymore. I just want to forget he ever existed. He's one piece of work... between being a cheating bastard, and calling me a slut and THIS? I don't think I can make anymore allowances for someone who doesn't deserve ANY allowances. He might as well just disappear into thin air because that would be better for all of us.

I'm done giving him the benefit of the doubt. There's no doubt at all that he's screwed. And there's no doubt that he's a manipulative, immoral and untrustworthy son of a bitch. As I've said, once you betray my trust, it takes a lot to regain it; but for him there's nothing to regain because I've lost all faith in him. To me, he's gone.

2006-06-11T01:34:00.000+01:00

Armin Van Buuren Music Video Codes

Music Video Codes by VideoCure.com

mmmm.... Armin.... :)

2006-06-11T01:09:00.000+01:00

Above & Beyond - Can't Sleep (from the album: Tristate)

Four thirty A.M, I'm awake again
Singing to the dark through open eyes
While dreaming I see only you and me
Stuck between desire and compromise

If I said I want you back I'd be a liar
There's nothing left of us to long for anymore
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire
And every night I can't help reaching out for more

And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep
And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep

You're leaving these scars scattered round my heart
A road map of all the places you have been
but I can't escape, can't wash this away
when love has burned your mark so deep within

If I said I want you back I'd be a liar
There's nothing left of us to long for anymore
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire
And every night I can't help reaching out for more

And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep
And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep

And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep
And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep

Absolutely love this song... so haunting... befits my mood right now, as if the song was actually written by me, how creepy!

2006-06-09T19:32:00.000+01:00

I've been slaving over Mun's blog for a few days now and I STILL can't figure out how to make it a 2-column blog!!! Just goes to show that I don't have as much HTML skillz as I thought :(

Revision doesn't feature much in my life at the moment as I'm getting complacent. I sit in front my books and folders every day but how much actually goes into my head is another matter. So I make excuses like "I need paper, let me go to Rymans to get some" or "I'm hungry and lazy to cook, let's go out for dinner", or "I'm tired, let me just lie down and rest my eyes". Hehe... Don't get me wrong, when I do get down to it, I do get quite a bit done, but I'm just feeling myself getting more and more demotivated with each passing minute, it's not even funny! Doesn't help that most of my other friends have already finished their exams! And I thought giving myself a whole week to revise (the reason behind selecting these particular electives) was a good idea. Bleh...

I've decided to give myself a break from house-arrest and go out tonight! Yay! Gabriel & Dresden are playing at The Gallery @ Turnmills. Yup, it's Turnmills AGAIN. But it's a good place coz lots of good DJs play there :) And I always have a good time there!

I'm soooo sick of this revision nonsense! Bring on next tuesday already!

2006-06-08T15:05:00.000+01:00

After all the tugging and pulling, I've finally got my parents to agree with me about doing the New York Bar Exam. But after getting their permission, I am somehow feeling very daunted. I know the course will be very intensive, and the exam is going to be a lot more stressful than what I am experiencing now. Also, the fact that I have to travel all the way to Albany, New York to take the exam is seeming all too much for me to handle. Imagine having to go to a foreign city just to take an exam! I've never done that! And not just any city, New York! I never liked New York... but then again it's New York! Shouldn't I be happy at the chance of travel? Shouldn't I be happy that my parents have given me yet another chance to be in London and eventually go abroad? No I'm not. I'm scared shitless in fact.

My parents have somehow used this opportunity to guilt trip me into going home. They obviously had their game plan all mapped out from the start. They were just stringing me along when they were playing "we'll discuss it first" with me, and making me wait... but as soon as they gave me the greenlight, they attached a condition to it! Sneaky! They said that once I finish my education they want me home. Now I don't know if that's more of a request or a statement. It seemed more like a statment than a request to me, which means I almost have no choice in the matter! *sigh*

I really hope things work out somehow... I almost feel like I should just give up and go home... someone has to give me a sign for me to stay, give me a reason!

2006-06-07T00:06:00.000+01:00

Oooooh blogging in the new layout is somewhat exciting for me! I couldn't stop staring at my blog after I had changed my layout, quite proud of myself in fact! hee...

So today proves to be a happy day :) I had a little blip during the day - when the immigration consultant told me I might not be able to extend my student visa, but he was super helpful and called the Home Office to check on my other options, i.e. the working holiday makers' visa or a work permit (assuming I could get a job). I knew that the working holiday makers' visa had been suspended back home so I knew there wasn't much of chance of getting that. However, I thought that if anyone could help me, it would be a "specialist". When I received his call back later that afternoon (after stressing out about not being to extend my student visa and not being able to get a job - hence being fucked!), he told me that the situation in KL was a little beserk and that people were not only being turned away from applying for the working holiday makers' visa, but also work permits! So even if I HAD gotten a job here, I woudn't have been able to get a work permit anyway. Sucks! But my saving grace had been that due to the "special circumstances" back home, the Home Office said that I COULD extend my student visa if I were go to ahead with my plans and do the New York Bar Exam *glee*. Now I know my plans were to work first, then do the bar exam; but this way, it guarantees me a place in London.

I was so happy after I got the call and was calling everyone to tell them heehee... Now, all I need is the green light from my parents (coz they'll be financing this venture), apply for the course then get my student visa extended! I know that using an immigration consultancy is expensive but how else could I have done it? I believe that everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't gone to J&J's house last night and nicked their copy of TNT mag, I wouldn't have found this immigration consultancy's number. Also, I had called the consultant because I was basically told to (thanks Jon!). Hehehehe...

I guess things have started to look up for me :) Hopefully things to come won't be as stressful as it has been for me in the past couple of weeks. Worrying about all this has really put a strain on me, and even though I think that I'm able to handle stress very well (i.e. not fainting, not throwing up, not bursting into tears all the time etc etc...), my body HAS been giving clear signs that I am taking too much on. Mentally.

Anyhow, at least I've got one thing sorted now, I can concentrate (hopefully) on my last paper. I had a "day off" today so looks like I'll have to start getting myself busy tomorrow. *GRRRR ARRGGHH* Hopefully all of this will pay off in the end. It really just take one thing to fall into place for everything else to follow suit :) I am mucho relieved now. All I have to do now is make sure nothing else goes wrong! Wish me luck peeps!

P.S. Thanks Christine for meeting up tonight! Malaysian food was just what I needed to end a good day :) And staring at a male model all night teehee! *wink*

2006-06-06T03:23:00.000+01:00

Mon Jun 5: Uncertainty

A rather uncertain day, as you feel somewhat apprehensive about goals. Misunderstandings with those who may actually be trying to help you can surface. While your coffers won't be full, there should be enough to go round for now. In personal relationships, everything seems to be right on track. Nice colours are oyster and tangerine. Lucky number is 8.

How true today's horoscope has been... It truly has been a really uncertain day for me today. I had my 2nd paper this afternoon... it all started out well and good, with me waking up fairly early and had a leisurely time preparing myself for the journey to the exam hall. I slowly walked up to the train station and even had time to look through my notes as I was waiting for the train. I had planned it all so perfectly, but of course, something had to fuck up. I got on the train, and half way through the journey the train started to go very slowly. And eventually it stopped. And it started again, slowly. Then it stopped again. Then the dreaded announcement *groans* "Ladies and gentleman, sorry about the delay but there is a problem with train ahead of us, we will be proceeding shortly". Of course shortly would be 10 minutes later, and when it finally moved, it got to a station and just stopped completely. Again the dreaded announcement about a signal failure or staff failure or heart failure, I'm not too sure, but it meant that I had to get off the train a mere 3 stops away from my destination and find an alternative route. The alternative route meant I had to walk about 5 minutes to a different platform, wait for another 8 minutes for the train to come and then get off 2 stations later, get on yet ANOTHER train, and then FINALLY arriving at my destination with a mere 5 minutes to spare before my paper was due to start. *FUCK* Oh and I also needed to pee, BADLY.

I didn't have time to go to the toilet so I rushed to the exam hall (which was inconveniently located about a million miles away from the train station), while everyone was already seated, found my seat, plonked my books and folder down and ran to put my bag aside, came back to my seat, heaving and panting like an overweight gimp, and filled in all the necessary forms, before having the chance to compose myself and prepare for the paper. All in 3 minutes. 2 minutes to the paper, the announcement that mobiles should be switched off, blah-dee-blah-dee-blah... and START.

This paper was a BITCH of a paper. There were 5 questions - LONG ARSE questions, and each worth about 20 marks each. Anyways to cut a long story short, it was an alright paper up til the 1 and a half hour mark, when I HAD to pee (otherwise there was gonna be an accident!). Then when I came back from the toilet, I only had about another hour to go. I was stumped on the last question and it took me ages to figure it out. By the time I did it was too late. "Stop!", the announcement said *pout*. Sigh... Uncertain it was...

That shot my confidence about my whole paper because I left the exam hall thinking about how bad I did on my last question. My friend was talking about it constantly on our way home and I wished I could've put a sock in her mouth, but of course I obliged and talked about it too. On the plus side, I met a really nice girl who's my college but we've never met before (don't share the same classes); coincidentally, she lives about 5 minutes away from me! Small world this is...

After the exams, I treaded home... rearranged with a friend to meet tomorrow (instead of tonight) then arranged to meet my favorite kiwis (hee...) and they cooked dinner for me :D How sweet! Hehe... Had a pleasant evening with the kiwis, had a talk with them about job prospects and how best to approach my situation (which kinda stressed me out but it was good to get advice nonetheless). Personal relationships ARE going rather well at the moment :) Hence, I think my fears of losing a friend should be totally disregarded *grin*.

Now I'm home, in my bed and writing this entry. My legs feel like I've been on the treadmill - due to the rushing around trying to get to the exam. I should really go to sleep but I'm waiting for damn BlackMuffin to return to our MSN conversation (she's gone to take a shower, of all things!) :p

2006-06-05T03:00:00.000+01:00

Oddly enough, I somehow don't feel like I have an exam tomorrow. I feel strangely calm, yet jittery. What the hell is this about??? It seems like throughout these exams I haven't really been able to focus, and this is usually the case with me when it comes to exams. The last set of exams I had to sit for I was really focused and steadfast about my revision, but that was because I had a regimented routine - going to the library everyday to meet my friends. This time around, because my friends and I are doing 2 different subjects out of 3, we haven't been able to replicate that regimented routine this time, also because we found that the last time, we wasted more time gossiping than actually studying. Heee...

Thank goodness for planning ahead on my part though, when I chose my electives I had my exam timetable in mind and chose the subjects based on how far apart each paper was going to be scheduled. Thus it has given me ample time to prepare for each paper, without having to cram for each paper at the same time. Tomorrow's paper will be Acquisitions, one which I'm more than happy to get it over and done with. However, even though I feel like I'm prepared, I feel like something's not quite right... like I'm missing something. And I won't know what's missing until I'm sitting in that exam hall and start my attempt on the paper... whoa... that would suck.

I'm sorry if this entry is a little rambly and incoherent... it's 3.04am and I'm writing this in my room where I am stealing some poor guy/girl's wireless internet. Hadn't occured to me to this before but somehow tonight, I felt a little restless and rifled through my stuff to look for my wireless card. Lo and behold, here I am, being the cunning fox that I am, I'm tapping into someone else's resources :p Oh well... it's their own fault for leaving their network unsecured! That being said, I hope they don't start securing it :S *prays*

Well, I guess I should hit the sack... my conscience is a little disturbed because I'm doing this so sneakily. I would share MY internet if I had a wireless network and if my internet wasn't so shit all the time!!! :D Okay, time for bed. Hope things will work out, I really can't handle any more stress......

2006-06-04T01:45:00.000+01:00

Sun Jun 4: Communications Clear

The clear perception of a bright future seizes you, Scorpio. You may be called upon to exercise a leadership role. At work, quick decisions are needed, but teamwork gets the job done more quickly. Communications that were ambiguous suddenly make more sense. Fortunate colours are spearmint and lilac. Lucky numbers are 12 and 26

So my horoscope for Sunday looks pretty exciting :) However, I don't know whose job (especially when I don't have one) would call on them on a Sunday? Then again, I had this mysterious "Unknown" phone call today that cut off when I answered it. Might be a stalker, might be a job prospect, who can tell?

The predictions I made a couple of weeks ago seem to be coming true. Most of the time people think that predictions coming true is a cause for celebrations; unfortuntely my predictions were more on the bleak side - I predicted that I would lose 2 friends (or more) in the space of a month. I exagerate when I say "lose" 2 friends, because in actuality I haven't really lost them. They just haven't been as "close" to me in the past 2 weeks or so. One's because we kinda fell out due to an argument (Re: entry about the Admirer that called me names), then we patched things up (at least I thought so), but things haven't been the same since. The other is because of an arrival of a certain someone that has made things a little more complicated for us to be as close friends as we were before.

I remember relaying this prediction to Admirer just before we had that argument because I was feeling particularly solemn that day - after receiving random information from the both of them (individually), I somehow managed to conclude that we'd somehow drift apart. I realised that once I couldn't return the affections of Admirer, the friendship was destined to fade. True enough, he thought it wise to pick a fight with me and call me something rude - in which I didn't take lightly to, but thought forgiving him was the best thing to do in the name of friendship. Of course, when someone expects more from you it's very difficult for them to act like they don't expect anything out of you, hence making it difficult to maintain an expectation-less friendship.

I am somewhat relieved that Admirer and I have drifted apart, because that meant that I didn't have to "act" like I was completely ok about what had happened between us. I wasn't particularly impressed by his behaviour and even after I'd forgiven him, he'd find subtle ways to insult me or my friends or my lifestyle. Even though I knew what he was doing, I didn't let it bother me and continued to shower him with my "friendship". But I guess sometimes people just don't get it. Maybe he's blocked me from his MSN, or maybe he's not been online or maybe he's given up using MSN at all - because he deemed the internet "gay". Subtle hint #1 - internet gay = I'm gay, because we met on Myspace *smirk*. Oh the childishness of this! In any case, I am a little sad because no one wants to lose a friend, but he made it clear that I couldn't be a real friend to him nor vice versa. He tried his best, and I tried my best too; I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

As for Friend #2... I'm a lot more disappointed by that than Admirer. Losing him is like losing a limb for me. Over the past few months we've been able to develop a really strong friendship, but since the arrival of this other person, things just haven't been the same. To be fair the person has only been here for about 2 weeks, and naturally he'd have to pay more attention to her now as she requires it. Nonetheless, I still can't help feeling like our friendship is slowly fading away. Maybe it's just because I've been stuck at home for the past few days - weekends can get really long when there's no going out to break it up a bit, and because he's busy while I'm bored (to the point where I feel like gauging my eyes out!), makes me think that we're drifting apart. It doesn't mean that he won't be there when I need him or vice versa, but I think the days of us having meaningful conversations and going out every weekend are practically over. I'm still sitting for exams at the moment and that's why we haven't been going out and I might be proven wrong once my exams end. But what I fear most is if I don't get proven wrong...

What with my lovelife being on an indefinite hiatus, I really need my friends to be around me. I never could really be on my own :( I'm just praying that not all my predictions will come true and friendships will eventually prevail.

2006-06-03T01:08:00.000+01:00

And today my horoscope says/said:

Fri Jun 2: Don't Overexert Yourself

Don't try to accomplish too much too soon; overexertion always has adverse affects. Make sure you are well prepared and all will be well. You could contribute time towards a surprise party for a close friend who has a special occasion to celebrate. New romantic possibilities await you. Accept an invitation to go out with your mate. Upbeat colours are sage and mandarin. Lucky numbers are 16 and 5.

I don't think I've accomplised ANYTHING today! I haven't done so much as even a morsel of work, even though I had to/supposed to. Nor did I have a surprise party for anyone! :( But, I did have the opportunity to "accept an invitation" to go out with my dear friend, Christine :) We had a nice turkish lunch (a big one too!) and spent the rest of the afternoon watching the final episodes of America's Next Top Model Season (ooops!), I mean CYCLE 6. After Christine left, I continued to watch mindless TV - nothing of particular interest was on, so ended up watching X-Factor: Battle of the Stars and then followed by Law & Order: SVU (*dong dong*) and then followed by more mindless TV. So really all I've accomplished today was managing to go through all day without doing anything productive. Bleh.

One productive thing I did was ring Urban Chill and procured a (very short and disgraceful) phone interview to be one of their massagers. Sounds dodgy I know but I swear they're not one of those sleazy massage palours you get in Camden (or elsewhere) with "exotic" girls with "extra services". Hee... Check out their website and you'll see what I mean. At the end of the 2 minute interview the woman said "Right, I have your number and if we're interested we'll call you" GREAT. I can't even get a fucking job as a massager, not a masseuse (coz that entails actual knowledge of how to give a proper massage), but a massager - someone who can give a half-assed good massage, like moi. Not to say they may never call back, but given my half-assed answers to her VERY relevant questions, I don't think they ever will. I'm so negative aren't I? With good reason though! I have been applying for various jobs for a month or so now and all I get are either rejections or *cue crickets* silence. I hate that! Will someone just give me a dang job already? ? ? ? ?

On a brighter note, I managed to convince myself that going out last night would be a good thing and eventually (again) accepted Christine's invitation to her agency's do at the Penthouse. It was drinks at Chiquitos first then on we went to the Penthouse (free entrance! Thanks Christine!!! hehe), then it was 2 bottles of wine *drunken smile*. I ended up having such a good time too! With people I had only met at Chiquitos - Christine had some of her friends with her + cousin and they were a bunch of lovely people :) One was a Bollywood actor (whose name I think I shall not divulge), one was an aspiring actress who's also a law student + greek, and her cousin's friend who's studying to become a media writer (?) + cousin of course :) All of whom I managed to get along with like a house on fire!!! Even in my post-exam-crap-state I managed to boogie it out and chug a few glasses of wine (well, 2 bottles between a couple of us!), which resulted in a very tipsy me going home with greek-law-student/aspiring actress and babbling away to her as if I had known her for ages... she might regret telling me that we should hang out hehe... As for Mr. Bollywood Actor, he turned out to be such a sweet guy. I thought he would be one of those "I'm an acTOR, don't bother me" kind of guy, instead he's one of the most down to earth, innocent, sweet guy I've met! I love it when people turn out to be nicer than you think they'd be :) And then Mr. Cousin's Friend was also a surprise meet! He was so easy to get along with, again I thought I had known him for ages (maybe the alcohol had something to do with it?). It's nice to meet people that you can just instantly click with, it's almost effortless, no TRYING to make small talk because you actually want to talk to them, and you don't have to worry about making any first-impression faux pas either because you feel so completely comfortable with them :) I was having so much fun I forgot that I was actually at an "agency party" for an agency whose agent I totally despise! Teehee... She's fucking awful if you ask me, but then she's not my agent (but if I ever needed one, it wouldn't be her!) so you don't have to ask me hee...

All in all I had a great time last night, followed by a mild hangover this morning. Boy am I slipping on my alcohol! My tolerance level towards alcohol has slipped way down compared to my days in Uni :p I was hardcore then, now I'm just hardcore in other things hehe...

So, suffice to say, I didn't get much work done yesterday (had exams all day - both of which went alright, trying not to worry about them), nor did I get much work (if any!) done today, hence I'm screwed for my next exam that's on Monday :( It's Acquisitions, and after actually doing the subject, I might have to rethink my "interest" in mergers and acquisitions. Seriously, I've never been so uninterested in my life! I had more interest in bloody Commercial Law and Intellectual Property! But maybe that's coz I actually understood what was happening - hence the interest. Everytime I even so much as LOOK at my Acquisitions' folder -I fall asleep. I have the weekend to catch up on 10 weeks worth of work, do you think that's possible? I have doubts about it, but thank God the exam is open book. Nonetheless it's only 2 and half hours and without concise notes and flowcharts, I don't think a book will help me. So the only thing to do now is, go to bed now, wake up early(-ish) and get my ass going with notes and flowcharts and diagrams. Hopefully they'll help me pass the exam. I neeeeeed to do well. Otherwise I'll be perpetually jobless.

I hate my life right now. Bring on the sex, drugs and alcohol. I need them. Don't try to accomplish too much indeed.... bleh...

2006-05-31T15:58:00.000+01:00

I think I'm in love *stupid grin*.....................................................

WITH ARMIN! teehee...

2006-05-30T19:47:00.000+01:00

Oh and I forgot to mention! I've been offered to write my own column in an upcoming free magazine in Malaysia! :) I haven't decided what to write, nor am I sure that they'd even like my stuff :( I'm nervous as hell but honoured that I've been asked at all hehe...

Well, don't get too excited, it's not like I've been sourced out by some big-shot publishing company, it's a family connection ;) Nonetheless, I'm flattered that people think I've got skillz hehe... *trots off to think up ideas for column in Carrie Bradshaw style*

2006-05-30T19:24:00.000+01:00

I'm tired of job-hunting, someone just hire me already!
I'm bored of my blog layout, someone vamp it up for me coz I can't be bothered with html o_0
I'm so not motivated to revise at all, someone tell me how I can get 60%+ for each paper without revision?
I'm wilting inside because I've been stuck in my flat for the past 3 days, staring at my kitchen walls and ceiling mindlessly; due to lack of finances and the need to revise (although we all know that ain't going anywhere either!)
I'm fucking frustrated by the fact that I can't get a job without a work permit - but can't get a work permit without a job! Who thought THAT up!?
CAN SOMEONE JUST FUCKING LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME WHILE I TAKE A VACATION?

Okay, now that I'm done ranting about my life, I can start blogging :)

So, the problems I had with my "Admirer" have been resolved. Somewhat at least... All I wanted was for him to admit that he had done something wrong and apologize. Whether or not I was going to cut him off was a whole different deal. I knew that he'd have to start talking to me at some point and true enough, he MSN-ed me yesterday night. Of course, I was pissed off, the nerve! Calling me a slag! But he seemed quite pissed off himself! The conversation - rather heated argument, went on for a while, with both of us trying to argue our way into winning. I mean, honestly there was no winning for him because no matter what his reasons or explanation, he still had no right to say what he said to me.

In the end, I asked him to just apologize and be done with it, because ultimately what he did was mean and it hurt my feelings. So he did. He said "Sorry". Makes you wonder, such a little word - and what a difference it makes. I knew that by the fact that he actually started talking to me was an indication that he was sorry anyways and was trying to get back into my good books. Nonetheless, I was still looking for him to say the actual word. I don't think that merely implying you're sorry is quite as enough as actually saying you're sorry. But don't think that by saying sorry when you don't mean it will help either. I guess it's up to the receipient to gage the sincerity of the word.

I knew I had hurt his feelings a little when I expressed interest in another guy, and I know that that was his reason for flying off the handle. I assume some people will wonder why I accepted his apology, but I guess I'm just not the type of person to hold a grudge. He even managed to make me laugh over the argument! - not that he knew I laughed (I had to reserve SOME of my pride!) So, yes, I've forgiven him, I've decided to continue being friends with him (we're not in pre-school anymore), but no I won't be as close to him as I once was. I am very trusting - hence trust comes easy to me, but once the trust has been broken, I find it hard to rebuild.

So a word of warning, never betray me; not because I'm vindictive or will seek revenge, but because you might break me, and you will never see that trust again.

2006-05-28T23:33:00.000+01:00

I know that my last few entries have been quite anger driven or depressing. So thought I'd try to be less ranty this time... if that's possible!

Exams are in a few days and even though I haven't really been revising that hard, I think I'm actually doing pretty well (for someone who's really only done one full day of revision so far). I've been sitting at the table all day today, reading through my Commercial Law notes and annotating my advance reading. Somehow my brain has managed to retain quite a lot of the knowledge (suprisingly!), seeing as we've only had 10 weeks of elective classes, there's really not much to take in. However, I'm worried that the questions might be tougher than the compulsory exams (in February) because there's less material *scared*. Well all I know is I'm trying my best to understand every topic, there's not much I can do beyond that is there?

I've been having a tough time with the people around me lately. Everyone seems to have some kind of beef with me, or some kind of drama. I don't understand why people have to always stir shit up around exam time. I mean, I have enough to think about; what with my visa problems, my exams, my future!!! Why bother me with petty little problems? If you have issues, then go deal with them, don't go starting shit up with me! Oh well... people eh?

I've been at home for the past few days, without even so much as stepping out the door for a breath of fresh air. The weather today looked pretty nice, nonetheless I forced myself to stay indoors and revise. After going to Turnmills the other day, I promised that that would be the last outing til my exams are over. I hope to adhere to this promise :S I am so happy that I did get to go see Armin (pic) the other night though! Not only did I have the best people around me (thanks Jon, Jason, Lucy, Luke,Linda and Ian -- for messing up my hair!!!), I also had the chance to hear some sweet ass music! Trance is a new found love of mine, and now I can't seem to get enough of it! I'm becoming a dance-music addict *shock horror*!!!

Whatever the image a dance music lover (Camden-neon-flourescent-glow-in-the-dark outfits!) you might conjure up, there's no doubt that if you pick up good trance (like Armin's stuff!) and actually listen to it, you'll realize just how uplifting and soothing trance can be. And no I don't wear funky/crazy/glow-in-the-dark outfits when I go to dance clubs :P Everytime I listen to Armin's music, my problems seem to just melt away and a smile creeps onto my face; partly in awe of his talent and partly because it's almost as if the music understands me - cheesy I know. I know some people think dance music is all *boom boom boom* and *douf douf douf*, but good DJs do so much more than that. It takes a lot of musicality and a keen ear to spin good trance (or any other dance music). I must admit, I'm quite limited in terms of my knowledge of dance music, and at the moment, only trance has really taken my fancy. But I'm not reluctant to try listening to other forms of dance music... heck I listen to everything! Ask anyone! hehe...

Currently I'm listening to Armin's A State of Trance radio show Episode #250, it's the 5-year anniversary of the show and it's a big party at Asta, The Hague. Damn, I wish I could've been there! Alas I have to settle with the downloaded set, thanks God for the people who upload these torrents! *life savers!* I may be a little obsessive about Armin, but give him a listen and you'll see why :)

Anyways, the internet is cutting on and off, so I better post this entry before it wipes it out! Wish me luck with my exams!! (It's my finals - on my way to the real world soon :( I don't want to!!)

2006-05-28T01:15:00.000+01:00

Armin Van Buuren is the man! I love him to bits and pieces. I want to marry him in fact! If only he wasn't already married. It would also help if I actually knew him, but sadly all I can do is admire him from afar... and buy his albums :)

If any of you want a taste of good ass trance, then check out A State Of Trance 2006, it's the best!!! He played the tightest set ever last night and even in a 2-hour set he churned it out and fucking blew the roof *GRIN*. Kudos to the other DJs too like TomCraft, Mike Koglin and Ronski Speed - I was pretty wasted but I still know good music when I hear it!!

On a sadder note, I've already said before that I hate people who think they're all high and mighty and think they can pass judgment on other people just because they don't agree with their choices or decisions. Especially when they themselves aren't in the position to pass judgment. What's even worse, they pass judgment even when you think you've made the RIGHT decision, thinking that that would be the decision that people wouldn't judge you upon. Alright, you can judge but there's no need to be mean about it.

Basically what happened was I met a guy in the club last night, and we had a good few hours hanging out and dancing, no hanky-panky, just enjoying each other's company, also I had him join my group of friends to socialize. He was an american tourist and his friends had ditched him, so I thought be nice and friendly to him. Yes, there was a certain amount of flirting and hands were held (on the dance floor) but no more than that. There was an attraction but I also had my "staying single + no sex" policy so I didn't think much of it. When it was time to leave, we went our seperate ways. No issues, no complications, no drama. Just the way I like it.

Later on, I gush about this sweet american tourist to one of my friends (well really he's an admirer) thinking that I was just talking to a friend and also semi-jokingly saying that regreted not getting the guy's number/email. He flies off the handle and accuses me of being a slag! (i.e. a slut) Why? Because of my intentions. Not because of what ACTUALLY happened, i.e. not going home with him, no hanky-panky and no number. I tell you what guys, girls will flirt their pants off just to feel like they're desirable. They won't necessarily want anything out of it, call it being a cockteaser or being an outrageous flirt, but it's true. Not every girl that talks to you wants to sleep with you. They might be attracted to you or they might just be out to scam a few drinks off of you OR just want to have a nice conversation with another human being.

So just because I had the fleeting thought of getting this guy's number or had a fleeting fantasy of sleeping with him, I've been accused of being a slag. Point blank too. No sugar coating, no apologies, he just called me a slag, and that he didn't want to be associated with me. Now, my friends, do I SEEM like a slag to you? Do I sleep with every guy I meet? Do I go out to whore myself out to random men? No. I DON'T. Just because I talk to a guy and just because I happened to enjoy my conversation, doesn't mean I wanted to fuck him right then and there! (Maybe after a few more drinks hehe... JUST KIDDING!!!)

Yes, I've had a substantial amount of sexual partners, but I'm not exactly a rabbit on heat. I suppose people reserve the right to have their own opinions, but surely there's no need to be harsh and mean unnecessarily. He likes me I know that, but the very fact that I'm not with him should imply that I'm not that interested. Yes, I love him, but only as a friend. He's a good friend to have, but obviously he's only being friendly because he likes me. Which bugs the hell out of me. And to call me a slag??? That's just beyond words.

I want to say that I understand that he might be hurt coz I'm showing interest in other men. But I'm not going to claim I tolerate being called names. Not by him, not by ANYONE.

Should I cut him off? Or would that be rather childish of me? That's assuming he wants to be "associated" with me. That's his choice, and I'm not going to even lie and say that I care. Coz, honestly, I don't. Fuck being friends if you can't even be nice.

2006-05-25T23:38:00.000+01:00

I feel so rrrrone-rey, so rrrrone-rey...

We were born alone and we die alone; so ultimately, we're the only ones that we can rely on. Yes, the only person you can rely on is yourself. That's especially true when it comes to thinking that you can rely on the opposite sex. A lot of women think that once they find a boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/partner, they're problems will all melt away and find true happiness in the other person. What they forget is that this other person is also the bringer of HIS/HER life's worries/problems into your life when your lives merge. I suppose it's a misconception that your problems and worries fall away, it's just that you're blinded by the other person's problems and worries. Ignorance is bliss right? And avoiding your own problems and focusing on someone else's is the best escape!

But what if you're single? Who do you "rely" on? Yeah there are friends and family that are willing to give you their time, but for how long? A friend/family member isn't obligated like a partner is to spend time with you, he/she's not "responsible" for your feelings. he/she doens't HAVE to spend time with you whenever you want. Whereas a partner, that's different. He/She is supposed to want to be with you day and night, night and day. Of course that's asking way too much of someone but that's the general idea of being in a relationship isn't it?

So again I ask, what if you're single? Who do you "rely" on? Friends and family are out of the questions, you have no boy/girlfriend/husband/wife to speak of. What's left? Your pet maybe, but it's not human. Basically what's left is YOU. On your own. Alone, but not necessarily lonely.

I've spent the whole day today devoid of any physical human contact. I've not even spoken to anyone over the phone. Every bit of "contact" I've had has been over the internet. (I'm SUCH a geek!) Yes, I feel somewhat isolated. Yes, I feel somewhat lonely. And sometimes I think it's sad. I have friends, of course I do! But not all my friends are readily available at my beck and call. Plus, I'm supposed to be revising for my exams that start next week *eek!*. What really bothers me is that I don't know if I can trust and rely on any of my friends... I'm not saying that I think they're bad friends. To the contrary, most of them are great! But I wonder if I can necessarily put all my trust on them and rely on them when I need them.

I think too much sometimes... and I'm just as afraid of being lonely as the next person, but should I use that as an excuse? Should I bear that in mind when I meet the next guy? Or cave into having a relationship just because I have a fear of being lonely? And if we were born alone and die alone, why are we so afraid of being lonely?

2006-05-17T02:34:00.000+01:00

As you grow older, life just keeps getting more and more complicated. Be it with your career, family, love life, friendships etc etc... Inevitably we have to make decisions and sacrifices we might not necessarily want to make, just to make life "easier".

Today I've decided that I am going to hold off having a love life. I think that recently I've been so obsessed with trying to HAVE a love life, that I've ended up with nothing but chaos. I thought that being single meant you could go on dates, you could meet loads of different guys (maybe even sleep with them) and just generally have a carefree fun time. The only problem is when you do meet guys, where does being "single" stop. I say "meet guyS" because that's what exactly happened to me. In the space of a very short time, I had the "luck" of meeting 2 guys that I have ended up with feelings for. It's not impossible to have feelings for several people, I have realized. In fact it's pretty easy.

I thought that because I was "single" that I could, technically, see anybody I want. And yes, the guys said that I could, of course they would! However my problem was not knowing where the obligation to be loyal begins. I've had a couple of dates with both guys and I have no idea when I should say "Right, I'm not seeing YOU anymore because I want to see HIM". I guess a good question to ask myself is who I like more? But I can't ask myself that purely because I have no idea. Also, it's not like either of them wants to be in a committed relationship with me. Catch-22 I say! One, I can't keep seeing both of them because it has already proven to be quite complicated - guys DO want to feel important, despite what they say; and two, I can't choose either one of them because neither of them wants to commit; and three, I don't want to commit to anyone either! So maybe it's a catch-33???

So basically I've got 2 guys that I like equally, who like me, but neither of us want to be in a relationship. Thus I ask myself, why bother seeing anyone?! Which has led me to decide that I don't want to see anyone - romantically or sexually. I think for my sanity's sake and for the sake of not hurting anyone (and not getting hurt) I should just be on my own for a while. I have emailed both guys explaining all this and have asked for the friendship in return. I do hope they give me their friendship because I would hate for us to fall out over nothing.

I had a nice dinner and coffee with my ex today, which inadvertently led me to ponder about my life and my choices. Funnily enough we get along way better now than we did as a couple. Hence, I think that love and sex just complicates things.

I guess we all just need a little chaos to gain a little clarity in life.

2006-05-14T14:33:00.000+01:00

BEST FRIENDS

Dear Mun,

How long has it been? Since the day we met, we've never seperated. From the age of 13 we've stuck side by side, through thick and thin, through sweat and blood, through laughter and tears - til today (well... now it'll be a few days ago but that's not the point!), the day you turn 24. Funny how 11 years just seems like a blink of an eye. Through all the fashion faux pas (baggy t-shirts, cycling tights... oh the horror!), bad haircuts (my days of having boy hair hehe...), then seemingly "important" problems and decisions, puppy love and new boyfriends, arguments and break ups, the days of lepaking in shopping malls and mamak stalls... come to think of it we still do all that! :)

Anyways what I'm trying to say is, through everything I've been through, with every decision I've made, even when I've been in London for the past 4 years; we're still as strong as we were the day we met, actually stronger! You've always been in my life and I am thankful for meeting you and have never lost you. You've been my best friend from day one (even though you didn't think I spoke chinese :p I don't look that mixed race anymore! But my chinese is still shit heheheee...) and I hope that we never fall apart.

And on your special day (ok ok it was a few days ago but I had a temporary solution up!!) when you turned 24, I hope that you had a fantastic birthday and hope you achieve all your hopes and dreams. We're all at a cross roads now, between being a young adult and being a real adult. I'm honoured to have the opportunity to experience everything with you beside me. I will always love you and always cherish you and I can only hope that I'm as good a friend to you as you are to me.

I MISS YOU & LOVE YOU LOADS!!!

Love always, Jiun xxxxxxxxxxx

2006-05-12T11:00:00.000+01:00

HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY, MUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, this is only a temporary solution to what I was planning to do but I don't have time now (bad time management!!) and I have to get ready for class. So, Mun, I'm sorry but I will post something later that is more worthy ok? Not that you'll see this til later anyways :p Being in Redang and all.... *unfair* hehe...

*runs to get ready*

Ooops... forgot something! Mun, happy birthday! I texted you but no reply, I suppose you were too busy entertaining your friends and receiving phone calls anyways. Hope you had a good birthday, all the best in the future and I love you lots and miss you heaps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2006-05-08T21:05:00.000+01:00

2006-05-07T21:10:00.000+01:00

Worried/Judgmental?

I'm so sick and tired of being judged all the time. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, maybe it's the serotonin depletion, maybe I'm just irritable, maybe I'm just grumpy because I'm not feeling well. Maybe it's all me. Are people judging me? And how come it's the people whom I think mean most to me that do it? I suppose they care enough to worry, I suppose they love me enough to assume they have the right to judge me, my decisions and my actions.

In the past few months I've been trying to live my life as I think I'd enjoy it. Granted it has resulted in over-indulgences, and sometimes risky situations (emotionally?). But I can't deny that I've had a fantastic time! I know my responsibilities, I know my obligations and I know the kind of sacrifices I have to make in order to get on with my "real life". My education, my finances, my future career... I know all of that and I'm trying my personal best to weigh everything up to keep a healthy balance. Sometimes I'm just sick of these responsibilities and obligations, and who's to say I can't pick my own escape route? Some people knit (hehe..), some people shop, some people have a drink (or 2... or more) etc etc...

All I ask is that people stop treating me like a child. I hate being patronized and I hate that people are constantly being condescending.

Yes I do know the risks I'm taking and yes I do know what my decisions might potentially be dangerous/risky; I don't ask for you to stop caring, I don't ask for you to stop loving me, but I do ask for you to trust me and my ability to control myself.

My ability to choose and make my own decisions, makes me who I am. I haven't changed. I haven't lost my mind. I am who I am and I ask you to respect that.

2006-05-04T20:42:00.000+01:00

Sunniest day, darkest feeling

Why is it that every man that I get involved with, almost always go haywire on me? Why is it that every guy has the whole "I'm not ready" speech tucked away in their backpockets right up til they think it's just about the time where I'm falling for them, they almost instantly whip it out on me? WHY?

I'm so sick and tired of guys who are only being nice for being nice's sake. I hate it when they make ME figure it out instead of just telling me. I detest being made look stupid. And yet, I can't get annoyed coz I can't go "psycho" on them. For fuck's sake! I mean, a girl can't even get upset without being called the "psycho bitch from hell". Am I not entitled to be upset? When I state I'm annoyed, guys go "Why?". Why the hell not? You just strung me along for a few weeks, claiming I'm the best, I'm the greatest, I'm sooooo cool; and then you whip out the trump card. "I'm not ready" he says. For what?! I haven't asked for a relationship, all I want is to get to know him, is that so bad?

I think all men want is to have their cake and eat it too. They complain about not being able to find the right girl, and say that when the right girl DOES come along, they'll commit straight away. They SAY that, but they don't mean it. Even when the right girl's staring you in the face, and yanking your hair AND kicking your groin; you still don't see a good thing! (okay so yanking your hair and kicking your groin isn't exactly great but you get what I mean!)

When is someone "ready" anyways? It's not like you can take a test and declare yourself ready! I mean even when you take a driving test and pass it, doesn't mean you're totally ready to be driving. You'll still get into minor accidents and breakdowns along the way; you'll still have the odd hesitation between stopping the car and getting it moving again - trickier if you're on a hill going upwards.

I know that in a few week's time I'll probably think myself stupid for getting upset about this. I mean it's not like we were in a relationship, and he's perfectly entitled to feel the way he feels. What I feel stupid about is being so vulnerable and gullible into thinking that he WAS ready. Even though there were clear signs everywhere. Half the time I don't even think I'm ready myself, but what's even more annoying is that I was willing to take that risk and go ahead anyways; regardsless of the hurt I might feel later on.

Well girls, all I can say is, trust your gut instinct. If I didn't I wouldn't have found out he wasn't "ready" because it took minor probing before he had the balls to tell me. For heaven's sake guys, be a man! Be honest and just tell it straight. Women aren't as thick as you think! We're not gonna crumble at the mere hint of a rejection! Now that I know, I feel relieved. I feel like I don't owe him anything (even though I never did) and I feel like I can finally see this "relationship" for what it is.

On the plus side, I met a very nice guy today. Hee... Nice because he's only interested in friendship and it's the first time I've met a stranger off Myspace in real life! I should really beware but what the heck, all men turn out to be crazy some way or another anyways. Well, I'm off to meet Myspace boy again now. Pear cider anyone? :)

2006-05-01T16:41:00.000+01:00

So I had an interesting weekend this bank holiday weekend. Friday I went to Ministry of Sound for the first time. Saturday (first time in ages!) I had a whole day to myself. And Sunday I attempted to go to Church but failed because it was the long weekend and the Church was PACKED. Many people got refused entry and while I was "on my way" there my friends called to tell me to retreat to Backpackers coz there was no point trying to get into Church. Hence we went to the Backpackers. On the way to the Backpackers I stopped at McDs to fill up my stomach. McDs food is GROSS! I can't believe I had a whole meal too but then I was desperate and the bloody shops in Kings x station were all shut :( couldn't get a sandwich to save my life! So McDs it was. Yuck.

But it was a good thing I had that meal though... coz the subsequent drinking I did in the Backpackers didn't phase me one bit! Even though I had a few snakebites and some murky green thing that smelt like washing up liquid, I didn't feel drunk at all! Then it was off the the Marlborough Head and still after 2 cocktails I was standing and pretty sober. Oh and weird thing happened in the Backpackers. Had a little blast from the past as Vieve and I met a "friend" from our past (mainly Vieve's past). It had been 2 years since either of us last saw him and to think we first met him in the Church! And 2 years later, there you have it, back in the Church/Backpackers and he's there. Him and his friend (who seemed nice at first), latched on to our group and ended up following us to Marlborough Head. Talk about weird. I mean, they were BOTH strange and by the looks of it, a little too drunk... it was all just a little too strange :p

Anyways I left quite early on coz it was getting a tad boring and I had no desire to drink anymore. By the time I got home I was ready for bed. What I did instead was watch American Idol and THEN went to lie down. But by then it was time for me to go to the Ministry again. Twice in a weekend! How sad is that?? hehe... Even though I was exhausted I thought it was best to go and have a good time, rather than lie in bed and sulk (as I was a tad annoyed with the guy I'm seeing). Why be bored and annoyed when you can go out and have fun?? :D

I ended up having one of the best nights yet again! I tell you, going out with my ex and Jason always provides me with the best times :) They're great friends! And people might think it weird that I'm still hanging out with my ex but I think that we get on even better as friends, so I'm grateful he and I are still friends. Good friends at that *grins*

After having such a good night I accomplished what I went there to accomplish - that is to forget I was annoyed and forget about stupid, trivial problems I was having with the guy I'm seeing. It always frustrates me when I let a person get to me like that. I mean, for heaven's sake he's not even my boyfriend and already I'm getting all emotional and shit. That's why I'd prefer to be single. Of course seeing someone has it's obvious perks. But seriously it's almost a wonder why I would want to put myself through the whole emotional train ride...

I know this entry is possibly quite incoherent but I'm still recovering from last night. As I only got home at 730/8am this morning, I'm as coherent as I can get.

2006-04-29T17:52:00.000+01:00

In the last few days I've managed to acquire some very nice things for myself, completely unintended, yet so satisfying :) The list is as follows:

1. Laura Mercier Secret Camouflage -magic stuff! Like your very own photoshop eraser, + lots of samples :) Love getting samples!!!

2. Narciso Rodriguez For Her eau de toilette - this smells sooooooooooooooooo good I wish I could bathe in it! + lots of miniature perfumes hehe... yes I love getting miniatures too!

Items 1 & 2 were purchased in Liberty - where Christine and I wish to reside in permanently... *dreams* I want my tea and scones, Christine!!!

3. Chanel Eyeshadow in Chahut - THE best eyeshadow I've ever had, the texture is sublime... ... but no samples whatsoever *bummed* Damn you, Selfridges!!

4. Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream Skin Protectant - this feels great on the lips and any other areas of your skin that is sore *sheepish*

5. Elle MacPherson Intimates bra - preeeeeetttyyyy....

All in all, it meant that I spent an insane amount of money on myself over the last few days. Not to mention a beauty treatment I had this morning (not at all pleasurable but the result is great!!), clubbing last night at Minisitry of Sound (fantastic venue!) and more clubbing tomorrow *guilty*.

After all the designer-brand cosmetics I feel somewhat like a label basher! In my Fendi bag I bring around a little sample bottle of my new perfume so I can spritz myself with it whenever I want (see, I DO actually want to bathe in it!), I bring my Elizabeth Arden cream around in case my lips ever need hydrating, if I'm clubbing I bring my Chanel eyeshadow with me for the occassional touch-up (even though I don't have to); next thing you know I'll be wearing designer labels from head to toe! I have no shame... ... ... All I need now is to raid Ebay and charity shops for a full outfit - on budget, of course. Hee...

Last night Drum & Bass event was actually quite good! I didn't expect to enjoy a night full of D&B but I did :) I danced my heart out and busting moves like I didn't care (hehe) (it was dark enough to not make a fool of yourself), which explains why my thighs and abs feel slightly sore today. I should go to D&B nights more often, the energy the music has is insane! :)

Weirdest thing that happened last night (well this morning) was while I was walking home from the bus stop (walk takes about 20-30 mins) a guy actually picked me up. Not literally of course. He stopped and kinda looked at me as I was walking towards him and proceeded to tell me how beautiful I was. He seemed harmless, more than anything he seemed like he was high or something (which he swears he wasn't *suspect*). He kept telling me how I had beautiful eyes and that he'd like to take me on a date. Seeing as it was almost 5am and I was alone I thought it would be polite to smile and laugh so that he didn't get psycho on me and decide to maul me. Of course he only asked for my number, which I had to ring him to give him. Yeah, giving my number to strangers is just something I do!! Don't judge me *scowl*. Anyways, I suppose the best thing to do in that situation is to keep the guy happy and not anger him in any way, right? So I did. He let me off with a polite kiss on my hand :p And we went our seperate ways. I highly doubt he'll contact me, he'll probably look at his phone today and go "who the heck is Jin?" (didn't bother correcting him). Hee...

I'm still tired from last night, seeing as I only had about 5 hours sleep before I had to endure a very "stimulating" wax treatment. I'm still sore-ish. But I think it's totally worth it and not to mention worth the money too! It's really strange to be spreading your legs to a complete stranger - well, as strange as it can get I suppose, and also for it to be a woman. Even my boyfriends haven't been THAT intimate with me :p All the effort and pain we go through to be beautiful eh? ;)

2006-04-28T17:14:00.000+01:00

When karma bites, it bites hard.

I hate it when I feel guilty and awkward. Especially when you have to feel like that constantly. As I said, I've no escape. No place to hide nor run.

I went to the park today, to sit on my own, with my sandwich - in order to escape. I escaped for a full half an hour. Before I had to go back to reality.

On a happier note, I'm going to Ministry of Sound tonight! Woooohoooo! Hopefully I'll get to experience some good quality Drum & Bass :)

And on Sunday I'm off to The Church again! It's bank holiday on Monday so I'll have time to recover from a hangover, if I have one. Who am I kidding? Of course I'll have one! :p

I probably should get ready to go out, I'm supposed to be meeting Jason in 40 minutes :S Oh well.. if I'm not ready he can just wait hehe... Right, Jase? ;)

Alrighty, I should probably stop here. Can someone tell karma to stop biting me?

2006-04-28T02:20:00.000+01:00

And tis' the day I feel guilty. For many, many, many things. For so many things in fact, I think I shall just slap myself really hard and call it even. *SLAP* *ouch* *pouts*

I've spent the past few days bad mouthing & gossiping about other people, spending way too much money on myself and not enough on a certain someone, been insensitive to a friend's emotional plight, and I've not done ANY work in preparation for tomorrow's class up until 2 hours ago. It's currently 2.21am and I'm still in the midst of prep work. *grr*

I feel bad that I've done all those things, and wish I was Catholic so that I could go confess to a priest and hope for forgiveness. If possible I'd like to wipe the slate clean and act as if none of those things had happened. But I can't. Not just because I'm not Catholic and can't confess, but because what's done is done and I can't erase it; confession or no confession. All I have left is a dirty feeling inside and the hopes that no one catch me out on my wrongdoings. I've already had one such "catching out" incident and it wasn't pleasant. Not one bit. As with being caught out on anything, you get flustered, you get nervous, you get guilty and you get red as a beet. And what do you do when you get caught red-handed? You deny, deny, deny! Even when you hand's in the jar, say someone held you at gun-point and asked you to put your hand in there. If all else fails, RUN.

But I can't run. I can't escape. I can't hope to erase everything. If only we could turn back time, but would we ever do things differently? We've only the power of hindsight, not foresight. So why bother even turning the clock back, when nothing can be done? I don't know. All I know is now I have to live with my dirty-self and hope that I never ever do anything that will make me feel this guilty again. Yeah right.. with my track record, I'll probably be guilty to the day I die.

I should've just been Catholic. :p

PS no offence meant to anyone who's Catholic!

2006-04-25T01:15:00.000+01:00

Wow, I'm totally impressed by Colin&Kero, not just because they are so brazen in putting their private lives out there like that; but also because they are so brave in declaring their love for one another quite so openly and honestly. I am in awe with their courage. AND they're only 17! (well at least one of them is, I think)

At 17 I was hiding my boyfriend from my parents! Let alone letting the whole world know! In fact, at 23 I'm still hiding my lovelife from my parents! Even in my blog I prefer to remain ambigous about the details of my lovelife, just because I'm too afraid of sharing everything with random strangers, or worse, people I actually know. However Colin&Kero have decided to launch their lives out in the open and basically shout at the top of their lungs about how much they love each other; whereas most people choose to live in denial about their feelings and can't even admit to themselves that they're in love. Aside from the the apparent mushiness and affection they display on their blog, they do make a good point - there are certainly more outward haters than there are outward lovers in the world. Most people blog about how sad they are, how angry they are, how unjust the world is, how shit their lives are; but hardly anyone blogs about how happy they are or just how crazily in love they are! (actually my brother and his girlfriend does it - daring, but I cringe nonetheless)

So here I am, praising a couple of 17-year-olds for their courage, not only in showing people they're not afraid to be gay, but also that they're not afraid to love. Humans cower in the face of happiness, it's time we stopped.

PS Colin&Kero's blog is possibly one of the best gay/lesbian blogs I've read, after NoMilk of course :) (Gotta give it up for seniority!)

2006-04-24T01:32:00.000+01:00

Oooooooooh...! For the very first time, I got a perfect score on my electronic multiple choice test! I can't remember the last time I achieved a perfect score in anything! I just thought that it deserved some recognition :) And that is why, ladies and gentlement, I like, no scratch that, LOVE Public Companies & Equity Finance, purely because I'm capable of achieving a perfect score *GRINS*.

2006-04-23T18:01:00.000+01:00

Alas, my holiday is about to come to an end. Tomorrow I will go back to being a student, attend lectures and workshops and go through the motions of "learning". I should be doing work right now, seeing as I've done nothing even resembling work the past 2 weeks! Except for the odd occassion where I apply for jobs here and there.

I've managed to pull out my books and folders and have set them out on the table, ready for me to plough all my energy into reading and writing up notes. However there's one big problem! I've lost the ability to write! I've spent the last two weeks literally stuck to the computer, with no need whatsoever to pick up a pen/pencil to write anything. Hence, I've lost the ability to write. Therefore, I'm here... as typing is definitely much easier than picking up a pen. Even reading a book proves to be quite a task. I've spent so much time reading off the computer screen, reading anything without a backlight seems to be quite a feat!

After the last 2 weeks (or maybe the last month), I bet my liver has sworn to hate me for life; and I wouldn't blame it! I've been drinking like a fish, inhaling noxious fumes like a vacuum cleaner, consuming all kinds of crazy substances and suffer from severe lack of sleep. It's not so much that I haven't been sleeping, it's more the fact that I go to bed in the wee hours of the morning and wake up in the middle of the day. With the weather being quite nice these days, I waste DAYS lying in bed or couped up in my kitchen without even so much as stepping out the door until it's 10pm and time to hit the clubs. Which means I hardly ever see daylight! Apart from the light that pours into my room every morning... my only salvation!

I know I shouldn't be avoiding work but I can't help it! After 2 weeks of total slackery it's difficult to put my mind to doing work *pouts*. But I guess I should get myself going now... It'll be a full day of class tomorrow, so I have to prepare myself for some heavy mental torture.

I feel absolutely great about the past 2 weeks :) I suppose meeting a new man is part of the reason. But also the fact that I got to spend some (if not a lot) of time with my bestest buddies, met new and interesting people and also been hanging out with some good people. Friends are possibly the best treasure you could ever find in this world. Without my friends, I'd be nothing and for that, I thank all of you who consider me a friend, you guys are the greatest and bestest and wonderfulest! hehe... There goes my quota for made-up words.

Anyways, it's back to the mines tomorrow. I'm sure the work will pile on without delay, and I'm sure this time next week I'll be complaining about the amount of work I have and not getting it done :p Same old, same old...

2006-04-18T00:38:00.000+01:00

This is a somewhat overdue entry but what the heck. It still bothers me and I still am a tiny bit upset about it. What makes it worse is that I have to face it everyday, with no option to escape. What I hate most about people is that people can be mean. I don't like people being mean to me directly, but what's even more hateful is that people can be mean behind your back. In front of you they could act like your best friend, in front of you they could act like they care and only have your best interests at heart; but really, all they care about is themselves.

I don't want to name names nor do I want to specify what was done; all I want to do is vent on how much this person irritates me. This person is selfish, uptight, an overgrown child, lazy, overly dramatic and stretches the truth to suit herself whenever she can. Why should I care if she is all those things? Indeed I shouldn't, and indeed it shouldn't really bother me because ultimately the only person that will detriment from her qualities is herself. However, this person has put those very qualities to "good" use and in fact, has affected me. I question myself, what have I done to her that could be classified as mean? Sure I complain and I moan and I say bad things about this person to my close friends when she's not around, but who doesn't do that? I'm sure lots of people have lots of bad things to say about me when I'm not around, and it's totally understandable. But to do what she did, and quite so publicly as well, just crosses the line of mere gossip. It was just plain nasty.

I try to rationalise what this person did and sometimes even defend this act of nastiness when I relay it to my friends, but no one seems to think quite as kindly as I do. Most people I've told (not that I want to tell too many people because it's already bad enough that people know) have told me that I should do something about it, or at least get properly angry about it because it WAS a nasty thing to do. And yet, I don't want to do anything about it. I don't want any confrontation, I don't want any friction between myself and that person, and I don't want this person to know that I'm upset over it. As I said, I have no escape route, thus I don't want any friction whatsoever.

In some respects I think I've gotten over it, and honestly I wasn't THAT upset to begin with. It's not even that specific action that got me upset, it was more because I thought she was a friend. I thought that even though she was all those bad qualities, she was at least a nice person. I thought that she wouldn't betray me like that. The thought of all those times I'd helped her, felt concern for her, felt sympathy for her, and just being nice to her... I feel stupid. Granted I knew she was odd, I knew she was a little different, but never did I once think that she was a nasty person; and now she has proven me wrong. My trusting nature has once again been taken advantage of.

I am angry with this person, needless to say, and I want to say lots of mean things about her, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Not that I want you (as the reader) to see me as the "bigger person" (I mean if I were the bigger person I wouldn't have posted this anyway), but because I don't want her to accidentally read this and realise it's about her and discover what I really think of her. Maybe she will read this and not have a clue either. Nonetheless I don't believe in airing other people's dirty laundry, as this blog's mine and it's personal, the only laundry I'm airing is my own.

2006-04-17T02:09:00.000+01:00

Some pics from the farm:First there was the birth (this sheep needed a little help coz she got tired) - the lambs are very slimy and sometimes bloody *cringe*

Aww, cuddly lambs and cuddly calves :)

Mommy and baby and lazy piggies

2006-04-16T23:16:00.000+01:00

Hello! I know it's been a while since I've updated, but that's coz I've had the busiest week ever!! Lindsay, my dear friend who's been exiled to Wales (hehe...), came to visit last Saturday til Wednesday. That meant that Christine and I had the pleasure of showing her a good time in London *grins*. That meant that I had been drinking for the most part of the week. That meant that we had a good time :) *drunken burp* hee... In that time I also managed to visit Uxbridge again, which I never thought I'd ever do (sorry Christine! hehe). I miss Lindsay already!!!

After Lindsay left *tear tear*, came Gen (also resides in Wales, coincidently) to stay for a few days as well. Together with Christine, we had the pleasure to experience a very different event, we went to The Dirty Red Ball! It was truly an interesting experience for all of us. Firstly we got slightly lost because I had the idea of taking the bus there instead of taking the tube - to save money, but we got a little lost and got there slightly later than envisioned. Nonetheless, we were considered to be fashionably late and when we got in the party hadn't even started yet. The Dirty Red Ball is an annual ball organized for the gay and lesbian community; rather more for the lesbian community. The dress code being "Dirty Red" or "Filthy Rich" I dressed in the only red top in I had with a black pencil skirt and bought some stilleto red heels :) However, as slack as I was, other people took the dress code seriously and came out with the raunchiest and sexiest outfits they could think of!! Some were even half naked (I didn't take any pics of them coz I felt a little cheeky) Check this out , and this and THIS (weirdest by far! And won best dressed...). The performances were also tailored to titillate and stimulate your senses ;) All in all it was a good event. Especially humilliating was the fact that I was dragged by one of the "Social Butterflies" to "meet" another singleton (that was their job at the event - to matchmake). I felt really bad because I did not know how to break it to the butterfly nor the girl she introduced me to that I was not, in fact, gay. I was friendly and polite, and it turned out that the girl was actually from Malaysia. Coincidence??? *puzzled* Anyways, I invited her to join me on the dancefloor with my friends, and she came along. After about 5 minutes of dancing, politely, she walked away, probably because she guessed I wasn't gay anyway. I felt really bad but then again, I never said I was gay! However, I guess you would be confused because I was at a ball organized for the lesbian community. Oh well, it was fun nonetheless :)

Then came Good Friday. I had arranged to go to Milton Keynes to visit my flatmate's home and to witness some lambings! Sure it was an event for kids really but who's to say that I can't see the miracle of life in the form of lambs! I was particularly tired because we had gone to the ball the night before and also I had a surprise visit from someone thus not getting much sleep. As I woke up at 9am to get ready and get to the train station for my train, I was pretty much a walking zombie. When I got to MK I tried to keep my eyes open and be polite and my flatmate's parents were being so sweet and nice to me. I was grateful that they had invited me and really appreciated their hospitality and kindness. They took me to the farm, and after cooing over lambs, pigs, turkeys and ferrets (pics in later entry); we headed off to the North Willen Park that was beautiful! It had the Peace Pagoda (one more) and a buddhist monastery (and the garden was beautiful!) in it. It was a sunny day and the park was filled with people, children and dogs. Beautiful sight. I must say I didn't expect MK to look like the way it does, it's very new, very clean and very organized. Not surprising as it is a new town.

After we'd been to the farm and park, we had a huge lunch that my flatmate's mom had prepared. The table was filled to the brim, with hardly any place to put our plates to eat on! I was literally spacing out at the table, but I struggled to look awake and alert :p We left at around 5pm to catch the 5.23pm train, a slight rush but we got there in time nonetheless. By the time we got home it was 6.30pm and I was exhausted. I went straight to bed, but I had to wake up at 9pm to get ready to get to Turnmills for 10pm. I had a standing clubbing date with my kiwi friends :) I had no idea who was playing or what was going on, all I knew was that I had to get there. I woke up a little later than expected and again a mad rush ensued, to get ready and hop on the tube to get there. However as there were tube closures I had to take the bus anyways!! *grr* As I got on the bus there were loads of drunken people who were also on their way to either Turnmills or Fabric (both clubs in the same area). I dreaded that bus ride :S Anyway, I got there in time, in fact earlier than my friends, so I waited in line on my own like a saddo. Thank goodness my friends came soon after and I didn't have to be alone anymore. The line was long but it wasn't too bad as I had company and it was moving. I was really grumpy and tired but the night soon became one of the best nights I've had! The music was great, the people were great and time passed really quickly, and soon it was 6am and we left the club :)

I arrived home at 7am (Saturday morning) and went straight to bed. 12 came and Gen was a-knocking on my door. It was time for her to leave, so I had a little chat to her (in my half-awake state, in night-old makeup), then had a quick shower and then took her to the bus station to catch her bus back to Wales. I was still half awake when I got to the bus station and all, and was literally zombified throughout lunch with her. After she left, I went home and went to sleep again. I awoke at around 8pm and thinking that I was just gonna lie in bed all night, I decided to ring my kiwi boys to see what they were up to that night and asked if I could tag along. I was tired but I was more afraid of being bored :p So off I went again to meet them at The End. Groove Armada was playing so the line was expectedly long. Again it took a while to get in and slowly the club grew to be quite crowded. Groove Armada came on and the dancefloor became alive! I had another good night :) A little more mellow than what I'm used to but a change is sometimes refreshing. And yet again, I managed to stay out til after 4am and came home dead tired. I went to bed (even though I was tossing and turning for about an hour) and didn't wake up til 3pm today.

It has been such a fun week, I almost don't want it to end. But alas, it's Easter Sunday and I've spent all day at home, in front of the tv and the laptop. Mindlessly watching tv program after program, surfing the internet, editing my pictures from the week and going on MySpace (I thought I'd kicked that addiction!). No more going out I say, no more alcohol I say, and no more "extracuricular" activities I say.... I might have survived today, but I can't speak for next week :p I'm on holiday, after all, might as well enjoy it, right? ;) Happy Easter everyone! (Sorry this entry is so long :p)

2006-04-06T02:32:00.000+01:00

How is it that communicating via text and email can get so personal, so quickly? Even on a first date there's so much mental warfare going on, you rarely give away that much to the person you're staring at all night. Whereas in an email, there seems to be a lack of a barrier of some sorts; because there isn't the intimidation of actually speaking to the person face to face, somehow you reveal a lot more about yourself than you would in "real life".

I wonder if starting a "relationship" via email is really the best idea. (And I use the word "relationship" meaning a "kinship" or friendship rather than a romantic relationship) I realise it takes away a lot of the bullshit I hate about going on dates, also it means I don't have to dress up everytime I want to talk to the person, and it saves a lot of money. Moreover, there's never the danger of bringing the guy home on the first date! (Some would say that was unheard of! hehe...) Integrity and dignity, all intact (especially after being publicly humilliated by a certain someone, I'm not sure I want to bring ANYONE home with me anymore!).

But there's something extra about flirting and having good conversations via emails and texts, even though it seems less personal, it is in fact MORE personal. You divulge a lot more information that you wouldn't necessarily tell a person who's right next to you, you flirt a lot more outrageously because there's no way the person can see just how ridiculous you look or feel and as a result you can convey a funnier, more confident and more intelligent you. Within the first 10 emails, you would've had the conversation worth an equivalent of at least 1 date! The added bonus is that you get to think about what you're going to say, spin it to your favour and off it goes - the better and more fantastic you is conveyed to the other party. And we all know just how important first impressions are, as are first dates.

Nonetheless, I wonder... Is it necessarily better that I've ended up revealing so much of myself to the other person, minus the physical contact? There's really no way to tell how the person is reacting to your email/text because the reply you receive can always be misleading. You lose the ability to read someone's body language, because there's no body to read. So is emailing/texting the same as meeting someone face-to-face? Or worse? Or better? (I'm beginning to feel a slight SATC influence in my blog...)(I think it's the amount of rhetorical questions I ask... hmmm...)

Mind you the approach to this relationship is borne out of necessity; so if things were different we would've been on a date already, or at least have one planned. But in this case, there are external factors that have led us here, thus I am stuck in a virtual relationship with someone I've only met once. Granted I wouldn't be in this position if I didn't feel we had some sort of connection; one that was developed when we actually met. So no, he's not some stranger I met on MySpace or some online-dating website. Technically, we're just friends, who like each other and trying to get to know each other. I'm trying to keep myself grounded and remind myself that I shouldn't expect anything out of it. Seeing as we're "just friends". Nonetheless, I feel, oddly, infatuated with him. Thus I wonder if I'm just romantisizing the situation?

We've been emailing and texting each other constantly since we met (3 days ago), and already, I feel something for him. As much as I'm trying to control my feelings and remain realistic, it's very difficult when you think you're forming a connection with someone. When it clicks, it clicks. I feel as though I'm falling into a trap, a false sense of security. I think that this'll never work; I mean who starts relationships from emails?! (*ahem* In fact I have done it before... *sheepish*) But I'm trying to keep a balance of rationality and cyncism in me. Why throw away a connection just because the circumstances are strange?

My friend said that I should read the big warning sign stamped on this guy's head. And I do realise the risks in this but what the hell, right? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

2006-04-04T23:40:00.000+01:00

I totally agree with Christine:

"Once men hit their mid-20s they go from immature to just plain strange, even so-called normal ones have strange secrets in their closets."

Why is it that men always turn out to be strange and weird? And if they're normal, why is there always something wrong with them? Why don't men come in perfectly packaged gifts for a woman's personal taste and preference? Like beautifully wrapped hampers full of sweeties and goodies?

Where have all the good men gone? They're all taken!! If that's true then I'm doomed! I'm doomed because the only guy I've been with that has come close to being perfect (to me) is in another country. Which means he's viable to be snatched up by another woman! And what does that leave me with? A bunch of sex-crazed weirdos who either have crabs or leprosy... or worse, commitment issues. I'm not actually bothered by the fact that I'm single. What I am bothered by is the fact that every guy I've met since being single have been total duds. And just when I think I've met someone remotely normal, they turn out to have some "big flaw" that I can't handle. It's misrepresentation is what it is! Girls beware, because even beautifully packaged hampers can contain a big box of fruitcake - i.e. something you can't stand (I realize that fruitcake is something I detest but you might like, which proves the saying "one (wo)man's junk is another (wo)man's treasure"). The problem is that this box of whatever-you-hate is always hidden under a pile of great goodies like Krispy Kremes or big bars of Galaxy chocolate *yummmm*. And when you get to the bottom of the pile you realize, to your disgust, there you have it - fruitcake. Talk about potong steam (for the benefit of those non-malaysians who read this - potong = cut, steam = steam --> which really means sort of an anticlimax)!

Not only is it an anticlimax, it's extremely disappointing! There you are scribbling his last name to follow your name, wondering what your children might look like, deciding on who your bridemaids will be; and bam! Mr Perfect is Mr Not-So-Perfect. And you may say that I have high standards or I'm too fussy, but why can't I expect more? Why can't I demand more? I'm perfectly entitled to meet someone whom I think is perfect in my eyes, so why do I have to lower my standards in order to settle? As I said, I'm not bothered by the fact that I'm single. I'm just tired of meeting weird men with weird secrets (and weird body parts!). I'm tired of liking someone and then finding out there's something wrong with them (or they're already seeing someone else, which inevitably leads me to question, what does SHE have that I don't have???). Why can't everything be out in the open so that I can at least make an informed choice/decision on who I end up liking?

Alas, I can rant and complain all I want, and yet men will never change. They will continue to baffle me and mystify me with their strange and weird ways. Until I find that one guy, who's as near to perfect as perfect can be, I'll be sure to put up with his (hopefully minimal) strange and weird ways and count myself lucky.

2006-04-03T16:30:00.000+01:00

It's been a particularly hectic weekend. I have been out and about from 12pm on Saturday til 930pm Sunday night. It's a little bit of an exaggeration, seeing as I did get about 5 hours sleep in between; but considering I'd also been drinking throughout the weekend I think it's perfectly valid that I exaggerate :p

This is gonna be one of those "and I did this, and I did that, and I did that again" posts, so brace yourselves. Saturday, lunch-time, I met up with Winston and his friends for lunch. Ahhh Dim Sum.... *lingering thought on Dim Sum*... To them it was substandard because they have Dim Sum more regularly than I do, but to me it was halfway to heaven :) After a long lunch, we went for coffee. And after that I did a bit of wandering in London. I went to visit book too! Then I did more wandering on Oxford Street. Didn't actually buy anything because 1. I had no money, and 2. I don't fit into anything at the moment. *Must go on diet!!*

By the time I left the shops it only left me just about under an hour to get ready to meet Jon and Jason. It was the 1st time I'd met Jon since we broke up, so needless to say it was a tad weird. Nonetheless it was like old times, apart from the fact that we're not together anymore. It was after dinner when the madness started. We headed off to a bar in Soho and had a few drinks. Not to bad mouth Jon, but he can't take his drink so a few drinks and he was a little tipsy. We arranged to meet up with a bunch of Aussies and Kiwis in Shepherd's Bush Walkabout. So off we went, tipsy and all. By the time we got there, the Walkabout was closing, so we had to wait outside for the group of people we were meeting to come out. The wait definitely sobered me up. As soon as they walked out I knew I was in for a big night. What I didn't expect was to have such a RANDOM night!

Cut a long story short, we starting heading off to one of the aussie's place. Halfway there they heard noises from a flat on the ground floor (en route to their place) and it sounded like people were laughing and having a good time. So they shouted into the window for them to let US in on the fun too! It was completely random! Strangers! But guess what? This being London and apparently anything goes, they let us in. All 7 of us; of which 5 were very drunk; of which 4 were noisy/rowdy/crazy aussies/kiwis. We sat in these strangers' house for about an hour, chatting, drinking and eating their food (oh the manners!!). I was pretty freaked out but the people in there were nice and I was finding our group of people (whom I only met 5 minutes before ending up in some strangers' house) increasingly crazy. After leaving the strangers' house, we proceeded to a club. In Acton! And how did we get there??????? In a limo! A white stretch limosine. Random because it was a limo that was parked by the side of the road and these guys just went up to the driver and asked him to take us to the club for a fiver each! And the driver did it!!! We arrived at the club (some club called U4ria??? Classy joint *rolls eyes*)in style no less... It was some dingy little club in the middle of nowhere that had weird ass people inside. All doped out on drugs or booze :p We were no different. By the end of the night we were ALL doped out on drugs or booze too.

We left the place and by then it was 4am... caught cabs back to one of the guy's place. Sat in there for a while and duly left coz I had more social engagements later that day. Dear me... By the time I got home it was 6am (after waiting for the night bus that never came and took a cab instead, on my own :S). Had to meet Vieve and Stacey at the Church at 12pm! More drinking! More partying! More liver abuse! And guess what? I actually made it to the Church! Partied and drank like a fool. Moved on to the Backpackers after that, and then guess where I ended up, again??? The Walkabout in Shepherd's Bush. Of all bloody places!!! Actually went in this time though. More booze and partying ensued. I was literally a walking zombie when I got out of there and finally got home at 930pm. On the upside, I met a nice guy and who I'll hopefully see again some time in the future.

So all in all it was one crazy/random weekend. Probably a good thing! It was definitely an experience to remember :p Too bad I didn't have a camera thus no proof of the night. Even the stamp I got from the club has been washed off :( Oh well, will have to make sure I'll remember this scetchy memory I have of it for the rest of my life. And kids, remember, alcomahol is bad, m'kay?

2006-03-27T00:48:00.000+01:00

Christine sent me a very nice review of Shrek 2, which explains that the movie isn't just a cartoon for children to enjoy, but also a story about adult relationships. The review says,

"There's no explaining why we fall for, or stick with, the people we do."

And it's true. There's really no explaining why we're attracted to the people we're attracted to, and ultimately, why we love the people we love. Even when we know they're not right for us, or they don't make us happy, or they don't give us what we need/want - somehow we still have it in us to love them. Why is that? I tend to think that it's not because we do love them but we somehow trick our brains into thinking that we do, because in some twisted or absurd way we need them to survive. But then again, who am I to talk? If we can trick our brains into loving someone, then when will we know when it's real love?

Even with a handful of relationships in the bag, I still can't figure out when it was real and when it wasn't. Of course I loved them all, in different ways I suppose; but when is it the kind of love where it can conquer all, or move mountains, or bring you back from the dead? You know what I mean! The kind of love that will last forever, that'll persevere through thick and thin; true love. When is it true love? (Don't you just love rhetorical questions? hehehe...)

I've had a relatively recent break up, and 2 of my close friends are going through an even more recent breakup. And often after a break up you wonder... whether it was real. Whether it was real and good enough to maybe go at it again. Whether it was worth all the effort. Whether it was the right decision. Most of the time, these questions are affected by the mourning and grief you feel about losing the relationship, which often means you can't make a rational decision or conclusion. Ah! But love isn't supposed to be rational, or is it? I suppose when in a breakup situation, it's hard to be rational about anything but the most important thing is that you're rational about the breakup. To regret the decision purely because you miss the person, probably isn't enough. There's no such thing as an easy breakup (especially if it was a meaningful relationship), everyone (man or woman) will have to go through a period of mourning.

I believe that if the person was meant to be yours, he/she will come back to you if you set them free. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or even next year! It could be in 10 years' time. Only time will tell. In the meantime, we can only lean on our friends for comfort, try our best to look forward into the future and move on. And when the time's right, true love will come, in any shape or form (as Shrek has taught us *grins*).

2006-03-25T18:03:00.000Z

I'm a sucker for chick flicks and chick lit. Face it, I'm a girl. The best chick flick I've watched in a while has to be In Her Shoes. Best chick lit I've read in a while has to be Good In Bed. Uncoincidently they're both by the same author. I'm about to read the novel version of In Her Shoes in a minute and I can't wait!

Good In Bed resonates with me because the main character is a plus sized woman. Okay I'm by no means a plus sized woman myself but I know how it feels to be called fat growing up and having to live with and deal with it in my adult life. Having been called fat by a parent (or parents) is probably worse than having been teased by your friends about it. That's coz your parents are supposed to love you and think you're beautiful regardless of that extra few pounds you have, or the fang-like teeth you have, or the acne-prone skin you've got. Being called not only "fat" but also "ugly", hurts even more. Somehow being fat and ugly could possibly be the worse thing anyone could be. As my friend rightfully pointed out that if you were ugly but thin, you'd at least have being thin to hold on to (ironically). But if you were fat but nonetheless pretty, you'd still be fat. No one would know you as the beautiful woman, people would know you as the fat woman with a pretty face. "Fat" would still be in the description. People could say "large" woman, or "plus sized" woman, or "overweight", or "big" and it all equals to being "FAT". The most evil word of all evil words.

I've struggled with self-image all my life and I continue to battle with it. It's now turning into what I think about myself rather than what people tell me I look like. Friends tell me I'm pretty, and "Are you silly? You're not fat at all!" and I go "phhfft! Yeah right!". An ex of mine used to hate that I had no confidence in my appearance and even now he assures me I'm "beautiful"; nonetheless I take it with a pinch of salt. Of course I get the odd boost in confidence when strangers tell me I'm pretty or when I meet men who want my number or when I feel desireable etc... but somehow that doesn't last very long. So what exactly will make me happy? If boyfriends don't do it, if friends don't do it, if random strangers (men) don't do it? What will? That parent. That parent that critisized you all your life. That one person (in some cases 2 persons) that should think you're beautiful regardless of all your imperfections.

But I question, would it last? Would it be that you'd hear what you wanted to hear from him/her and all your issues about self-esteem would just fall away? I have no idea. In recent years, my mother has been less critical about the way I look (probably because I'm older and because I'm abroad), and sometimes even offer compliments about the way I look. She's never said that I'm thin though. Of course that would be because I'm not. So do the compliments make up for all those years of criticism? For me it's a no. For me I'll revel in the compliment when I get it, but it is soon forgotten once another criticism (no matter what it is) comes along. And it usually doesn't take very long.

For me, no matter what anyone says, I still have me to battle with.

2006-03-22T00:42:00.000Z

And so it is. I finally have the answer to why Mr R has been distant and non-communicative. He's seeing someone else! And how dumb of me not to ask earlier! To wait and wait for something to happen when it wasn't... I curse myself for not listening to my intuition sooner. So today I made the bold move (plus not consulting anyone) of asking him out. He replied many hours later but in one text he answered all my questions and I'm quite at peace with that now. Gone are the days where I have to sit and wonder if he'll ever contact me, if he'll ever want anything to happen with me. It's not that he didn't like me, it's just because he likes someone else more. And that's not so hard to swallow really, considering nothing really happened! Especially when I've got a date lined up for myself as well :)

I figured that since I am single and I don't really intend to get into a relationship right now, I thought that I'd play the field a little bit. Put myself out there (but not necessarily putting out :p) more and see what comes my way :) I don't really want to restrict myself to one guy and putting all my hopes (and dreams?) on that one guy then end up hurting myself in the end. It's a bit like an investment really. You spread the risk so that if you do lose, you don't lose a whole chunk of your heart.

I think after my last break up I've grown to be a little bit more thick skinned. I put a lot of effort into the last relationship and of course I was hurting when it ended but it also taught me to be stronger. I have no desire to "be" with anyone right now. Nor do I need to be with anyone. And as for hurting, that's just life isn't it? What's happiness without sadness?

2006-03-20T21:29:00.000Z

It's been a long week. It was pretty eventful but I shan't talk about it. To cut a possibly long post short, I might have a few dates lined up in the near future but I don't want to jinx it by talking about it (like I did before :p).

So I'll just post a picture taken on Thursday (@ Attica) at the "Gold" (or Cherubs/Angels apparently) party (whereby not many people adhered to the theme, including the host herself *bitch*). I hope the photographer doesn't see this though coz I could be sued for copyright infringement *cringe*, which incidently is what I'm reading about right now for tomorrow's class *yawn*. Enjoy!

black & white

colour :)

Think I prefer the black and white one, makes my jaw look less GIGANTIC! Oh and the BEAAAUUUUTIFUL lady next to me is the one and only, Christine :) (nice chest! *wink* hehe)

2006-03-16T02:44:00.000Z

the boys i mean are not refined

the boys i mean are not refined
they go with girls who buck and bite
they do not give a fuck for luck
they hump them thirteen times a night

one hangs a hat upon her tit
one carves a cross on her behind
they do not give a shit for wit
the boys i mean are not refined

they come with girls who bite and buck
who cannot read and cannot write
who laugh like they would fall apart
and masturbate with dynamite

the boys i mean are not refined
they cannot chat of that and this
they do not give a fart for art
they kill like you would take a piss

they speak whatever's on their mind
they do whatever's in their pants
the boys i mean are not refined
they shake the mountains when they dance

~ e e cummings

2006-03-14T00:20:00.000Z

I admit women are difficult, complex and often indecisive. But we already know that. What we often ignore is the fact that men are just plain strange. Why do I say this? Well, as my loyal readers *hehe*, you probably know that I was "pursuing" Mr R recently. By pursuing I mean subtlely dropping hints that I was interested. By subtle I mean, bumping and grinding against him in a club (plus kissing him but we'll discount that for now). I guess that COULD be subtle as in we could've just been friends dancing. But I wouldn't consider asking him back to mine subtle by any level. Again it could've been mitigated by the fact that I had had a couple of drinks before doing that, nonetheless I'll coin it down to "dropping subtle hints". As we've gotten the ground work out of the way, let me explain as to why I think men are strange creatures (if you don't already know, or think so).

As I've so subtlely hinted to Mr R that I was interested in him and got the impression that he was also interested in me; I assumed that he would proceed by initiating more "dates" or at least keeping in touch with me. But it's been a little over a week since our last bump and grind - and no sign. Not a peep. Not even a "hello!" text. So what exactly is going on? You could pin the disappearance down to being shy (didn't think he was shy when he had his fingers creeping up my skirt in the club! Of course being the lady that I am I backed away), you could even say he's unsure of making a move, you could EVEN say he's playing hard-to-get. But really, in this day and age, after all the moves I've been making is there any question as to how he should be reacting??? I am by no means a one night stand kind of girl but I don't deny that I've had a few of those under my belt (excuse the pun); so I'm hardly gonna ask for a relationship straight off the bat. So if it's a relationship he's fearing there's always COMMUNICATION. That should clear things up for him. And if he's not into one night stands then I'm more than happy to oblige with more than just a one time encounter. Basically what I'm saying is - I'm flexible. No, I'm not easy or a slut... I just want to go with the flow, is that so hard to believe? Just coz a girl has needs and *ahem* urges, doesn't mean she's a no-good whore, just means she's a normal hot-blooded woman!

So how am I supposed to know what he wants if he insists on disappearing? I'm not psychic! Communication people!

There's always the chance he lost interest, in which case I still think it's rude to just disappear. Seeing as we might bump into each other at college (although it hasn't happened yet), I beg to ask how exactly does he want me to react towards him? Blank? or Smile and wave? Who knows...

Anyways, on to my next point - sex. Yes, you heard me. If you're related to me (or are queasy about the topic of sex) and you're reading this and find it hard to stomach I suggest you stop reading now because the word "sex" will be cropping up A LOT.

Okay, so I'm not exactly the most conservative girl. I talk about sex (with requisite embarassment when needed), I have sex (not right now of course as you can probably tell), and I enjoy sex (sometimes a little too much but I digress). When I talk to men (male friends, ex boyfriends etc etc) about sex, I do not usually feel quite that embarassed about my love for sex. Of course I don't disclose every little detail of my sex life to them but I do indicate that I am enthusiastic about sex. Similarly I've spoken to Mr R about my take on sex. The general consensus (on the surface) is that guys love girls who are enthusiastic about sex. Most men complain about women who fake headaches or periods to avoid having sex with them. I assure you I've never said "I'm too tired, babe" or "I have a headache, honey" to get out of having sex. And my ex-es can attest to this.

So, why am I complaining about this? Well, in my humble opinion I think men are actually intimidated by women who have a more than healthy sexual appetite. I think once a woman shows that she has an equal or higher sex drive than the man he suddenly feels threatened and insecure because (maybe) that might not happen very often. Then complains about being put in the "woman's" place in the bedroom. I'm not talking about women who have a sex addiction or a nymph, but just a woman who has a genuine enthusiasm for sex. I don't want to screw every guy who walks down the street but with a partner I'm more than just enthusiastic. And by talking to some of my women friends, this isn't altogether that uncommon. So where does the stereotype that women feign illnesses or pains to get out of sex come from? Maybe this started because men, only on rare occassions, actually manage to satisfy women? Ever thought of that?? So buck up men, women may not be too shy to feign a headache but we MIGHT just be too shy to tell you you suck!

Anyways, I think that a lot of men, while think it's a wonderful gift to have a woman be enthusiastic about sex, would not be too happy if they actually met someone like that. It's all about the control I reckon. Men always want to feel in control, especially in the bedroom. To connect this to Mr R, I have a feeling that he might've felt threatened by the fact that I initiated sex first as I asked him back to mine. While he seemed interested at first (what man wouldn't?) he appeared to then thought about it and then declined my "offer" and wanted a raincheck. Let's put aside the shame I had to endure from being rejected, what man rejects a woman's offer to have sex?! Get it straight, he rejected me. Not the other way around. What is it I hear about women not wanting sex all the time?? Uh huh, so shut up.

While us women are misled (by men themselves) into thinking that men are simple ("all they need is food and sex"), we often forget that they are also VERY strange. They often have no idea what they want. They often are useless at conveying what they want. And they often are oblivious to a good thing even when it's right in front of them, until it's too late. So maybe what I'm trying to say is men aren't necessarily as simple as we'd like to think or as they'd like us to believe. At least women freely admit that we're complex creatures!

2006-03-10T18:52:00.000Z

You know things are bad when on a Friday, a day when everybody else rejoices because it's finally the weekend, you're sitting at home with literally NOTHING to do but to break out the books and study. What's worse is that it's only my first week back at college, so I have to spread out the work to fill out the weekend. Whoever heard of TRYING to fill out a weekend???? Most people don't even need to think about their weekends, it's just filled with activity! Whereas I, being the sad pathetic person that I am, have to plan how to spread my workload so that I don't get bored over the weekend. The weekend is technically only 2 days, and I can't even handle that!

Of course I could waste my time reformatting my Myspace layout, blog, read blogs (by the way, people should really update more often), surf the internet for stuff to amuse myself (which I did today and that lasted all but 2 hours), or watch tv - the old fail safe; of course I could do all that and fill out my weekend without much thinking. But look at that list of things... does that sound like someone who you'd like to know??? Does that sound like someone who lives in central London??? On a WEEKEND!?!?!?

Ok, so I did have plans to go out tonight but they fell through coz my friend's ill and we decided to postpone our plans. So now my only plans are to watch American Idol. And that comes on in an hour and a half! What do I do til then??? I've already tried making pancakes to make time pass, but I've eaten all the pancakes and STILL I'm waiting. I've done everything possible apart from clean the flat. I'm not doing that because I might need something to do tomorrow, or the day after. That's how pathetic I am. I really should give this "going out alone" thing a thought. But I wonder if going out to a club on your own is even sadder than being bored? I mean, what does a single young woman do on her own in a club? Surely people would wonder... being alone.... is that confidence? Or just being pathetic?

Well at least I did ONE productive thing today, that is apart from studying, I did this. Productive indeed... *pulls hair*

2006-03-09T18:04:00.000Z

I absolutely LOVE Robin Thicke!!!

2006-03-07T19:30:00.000Z

I hate losing. I hate playing games that I suck at. And this one game I particularly hate at the moment is what they call the "love game". Okay, maybe I'm the only one that calls it that. But basically it's all but a game, right?

You meet a guy, you get along, you have a good time together; but once you cross the being "friendly" stage to where there might be something more than friendship, the game starts. Sometimes it starts before you even realise it and that's when you have to be careful. Always be on guard. Always expect the unexpected. Which contradicts the old saying that "things will happen when you least expect it"... In this case things DID happen when I least expected it. I definitely wasn't prepared. And that's when you know you've lost. You have to be ready for anything in life and love. I hate to say this but when you're trying to establish a romantic relationship with someone it's always a mind game between the 2 of you. It's hardly ever a soulmate-situation where you can be completely honest with each other from the get go. If you like a person you have to beat around the bush for a while, have a little mind-battle with the person before you can reach the "comfortable" plateau. It's annoying. Yet that's what a lot of us strive for - the mind games.

I hate the fact that I suck at these mind games. I'm not nearly as patient enough nor as emotionally strong enough for these games. Even when I think I have things under control, I almost always mess it up by going too fast and inevitable saying the wrong things. Looking desperate is never a good look (unless you're one of the cast from Desperate Housewives). And even when I don't think I'm making any mistakes, I always find out later (or realise too late) that I have. Sent one more text than I should have, made one more "forward" comment than I should have, made one more move than I should have... all of which could lead to losing the game.

It's all so stupid. These games, these childish games! Why can't we just be honest with each other and get on with it? Of course if some guy came to me and told me he was in love with me after only knowing me a few days or weeks I'd be suspicious and probably walk away; and while if the same guy had played it cool, waited a few months and developed a relationship with me before saying that to me, I'd think it sweet and probably would fall in love with him (if I hadn't already). Oh the bloody mind games! I play them with myself! *shakes head*

2006-03-05T12:28:00.000Z

Hmm... I got another spammer on my tagboard now. Probably the same person I suspect... Why?? I decided to delete the post about the forward I got about the "Hand of Hope" thing. Something tells me it was that post that spurred these spammers. I just thought it looked sweet! But I guess SOME people have a problem with it. What with the mention of God and what not... Some people are so sensitive :S Weird!!!

I've been religiously deleting their spams on my tagboard but I guess they won't be happy until I concede and surrender. But I don't know what to surrender! I have no idea what they're playing at but it's getting exceedingly annoying. Go get a life and create a blog of your own and spam your own tagboard!! Bitch ass...

2006-03-05T02:13:00.000Z

What's up with the chick/dude spamming my tag board man??? Who the heck is that? I've deleted his/her posts several times... hopefully he/she won't come back. What have I done to piss that person off? Clearly from the use of BIG CAPITAL LETTERS he/she MUST be pissed off at something. And who's J????????? Weirdo!

Anyways, I just got home from a very interesting evening :) I went to a lesbian club called Candy Bar. It's a cool place that plays really good music and has strippers! However, it is full of women :p Now don't get too excited, I'm not gay. I was only there coz I brought my friend, who is a lesbian, there coz she's here for the weekend. I thought I might as well take her somewhere where she'll have fun right? No point oogling straight girls! It was pretty interesting coz I got chatted up a few times and each time I had to tell them I wasn't gay. Most of them were cool but some of them just turned and walked away as soon as I told her I wasn't gay. I was quite shocked but I guess I would be kind of wasting their time if they were looking to hook up :p Oh well... nothing gained nothing lost hehe...

I thoroughly enjoyed Stomp too! Apart from the fact that our seats were kinda shit, it was such a good show! Loved it!!!! Anyways I should really go to bed now. Let's all hope that Anyuta person doesn't show up again :S

2006-03-04T13:27:00.000Z

This has been a long ass week. I can't believe just how boring I am! I have nothing to do but watch tv and going online. It's gotten sooo bad that 2 days in a row I log on to MSN and no one is online! I am getting increasingly bored with myself. Granted I've done some interesting stuff like going clubbing and completing my assignment... "interesting" I suppose. But still doesn't shadow the fact that I've spent MOST of the week doing nothing! Abso-fucking-lutely nothing! Blah...

Also I think I've probably scared Mr R away. I met him at college yesterday and things were cool... but way too platonic. It was weird! I didn't know what to make of it. The fact that he agreed to meet me should be a good sign right? I need more signs!!! Dammit! I am getting very frustrated with the situation, mainly because I have no idea what's going on and the fact that I'm an impatient bitch. So now, I've decided to just chill. Classes start Monday and I'll have that to keep me occupied :) Thank goodness for college restarting! I wouldn't know what to do with myself if it didn't :S

Gen is staying here for the weekend. We're going to see Stomp later so I won't be totally bored this weekend :) After weeks of spending all my time with my newer friends, it's nice to catch up with my old ones. So excited that I'll finally get to watch Stomp *grins*.

2006-03-03T13:44:00.000Z

I think he's actually scared of me! Am I that intimidating??? *wonders*

Or maybe he's just not that into me? Hmm... it's confusing as hell! I've never had problems deciphering whether a guy is into me or not... especially not at this stage!

On other news, no one is online on MSN. That has NEVER happened before either... strange things happening everywhere :S

Am going to meet him in college now... yet another excuse to see him. I'm slowly running out of excuses if he doesn't act soon. I'm getting rather tired of being the instigator.

2006-03-02T00:24:00.000Z

I spent yet another day in the library today. Even with exams done and dusted I still manage to spend my time in the library. Today I had a different agenda though, on the pretense of trying to do my research assignment, I kinda invited Mr R along to do our assignments together *grins*. He showed up (of course) but to my surprise S and M were there too! It was good though coz then it wasn't as awkward.

For a long time it was quite awkward nonetheless, but as the day progressed it got more relaxed. I helped him with his assignment so that gave me an excuse to talk to him all day. At the end of the day, we left the library and while S and M decided to go home, we decided to get a drink. So we kinda had a "date" but not really. It felt more like a job interview instead :p It was quite nice coz I got to know him a little better and I practically bored him to death with MY life story. I could not bear any awkward silences so I made it my job to fill EVERY silence possible! I must've seemed like such a dick! Oh well, what's done is done. At least we had quite a nice day together :)

We're all going out to a club tomorrow. Hopefully that'll give us more of an opportunity to get to know each other more. Until tomorrow... :)

2006-02-27T12:49:00.000Z

I'm getting ill :( My nose is slightly runny. My body is achy. And I feel ... ... bleh... Please don't let me get worse!

On the other hand, other interesting things have been happening. Some progress on Mr. R and it sounds like he's pretty interested in me :) hehe... Good thing I suppose. Only one teensy worry I have though, he's beautiful. I feel inadequate next to him. But we'll see how things go. No harm in having a beautiful guy interested in you is there? ;)

Been watching Black Books the past few days. Just finished series 1 last night, on the the 2nd series now. Funny as hell! Dylan Moran, Bill Bailey and Tamsin Grieg are the best comedy trio ever! :) Just what I need to get over my flu symptoms!

2006-02-25T21:56:00.000Z

I've been meaning to blog all day but I log into blogger and log out again without adding an entry. Firstly I've been too hungover and tired to write about anything, even though I have lots to say, so instead I hogged my friends on msn telling them everything I had to say haha.

Last night was definitely an interesting night. Was quite keen on going out again tonight but after this morning's hangover I thought it was best to take it slow. After all it's been weeks since I had a heavy drinking session! Surely my body needs to get used to the alcohol first before I go on an alcohol spree hehe... so anyway, I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Last paper was yesterday and it was one LOOOOONG paper, 3 and a half hours of pure torture! I felt that the paper was deceptively simple because somehow I had more time to spare than all my other friends and my problem in my mocks was that I spotted too few issues and thus I think this time I made the same mistake. I took the paper at face value... might've cost me a lot of marks. But what can I do about it now? Apart from enjoy the fact that I don't have to do any revision until classes start up again. I've decided to study as I go along coz the next time I have an exam (my finals) there won't be any time in between the last class and the start of the exam. *bites nails* The thought it scary! And to think it'll my final exams :S Time sure does fly!

I spoke to my parents on Thursday and I felt a little emotional after. My dad was asking me questions about when I'm going home for good. Honestly I can't say, but all I can say is that it'll take me at least another few years before I will go home "for good". My dad got a little upset when I said that and it kinda hurt to hear him hurt. It was sweet to actually feel my dad miss me, but I also felt very bad... I guess he's worried that I might stay here forever. On the one hand I love London, I feel as though I COULD stay here forever; on the other hand, I would miss home and miss my family. But this is one decision I can't make right now. I will have to wait til I've qualified as a solicitor before thinking about where I want to go. Where I want to be.

So back to yesterday. After the exam it was off to the pub for me and my classmates :) I had a big lunch and half a bottle of wine :) I was very merry after that, but had to go home to catch some sleep before the big night that was awaiting me! By the time I got home, I was still high from the wine and the thought that I had just finished my exams; so I ended up just chatting on msn and watching Boston Legal on my computer. I didn't actually manage to get any sleep, even though I tried but I was too excited (or maybe the adrenalin was still pumping ?) to fall asleep. Hence all I did was lie in bed for about half an hour before getting out of bed to watch American Idol while getting ready to go out.

It was myself, and 3 of my study buddies (let's call them S, M and R) that had planned to meet and have a night to remember! We got to Oxford Circus for about 10.30pm and then off we went in search of the perfect raving spot :) After a long walk and assessing ques (some clubs had long ass ques that we couldn't be bothered with - even when you're on the guest list you have to wait! Ludicrous!) But anyway we finally settled to go to Attica. A club I forgot that I'd been to... the last time I was there I was at an "agency do" and had lots of beautiful people around me. Very uncomfortable indeed. I forgot how expensive these clubs can get!!! We each bought a round of drinks and each round cost 33 pounds! For 4 drinks! Thank goodness the drinks weren't watered down so at least we were getting our money's worth. I guess not having dinner helped with the alcohol taking effect :p

Turns out S and M (coincidently hehe...) was secretly already a "couple" so they coupled up as soon as we got to the club. Much to my glee I must say, coz they're the most perfect couple in the world!!! *GRINS* That left myself and R... now that's where things got interesting. All I'll say is that R is incredibly good looking and I always kinda thought he was a little out of my league so I didn't think of him in that way. But as the night went on, we started dancing closer and closer. I knew he was quite drunk but then so was I, so I threw caution to the wind and just went along with the flow. To keep a long story short, I left with his number that he suggested he put into my phone. Today, I was pleasantly surprised when he texted me however I am back to cautious mode now (no alcohol to help with throwing it to the wind :P) so I'm not putting all my eggs into one basket. But we'll see *wink* so watch this space! It was a night to remember indeed *grins*.

I'm still battling the last traces of a hangover, feel a little rough but I'm feeling a lot better than I did this morning. Why do I drink!?!

2006-02-25T04:21:00.000Z

Woohoo! Exams are OVER! O-V-E-R!!! I was about to collapse after today but nonetheless I soldiered on and went to the pub right after the exams :) Talk about dedication!

Anyways I've had really good day and night today, in fact a very interesting one... but I think it's time for bed right now :) So byes people! xxx

2006-02-23T17:35:00.000Z

"So Sick" Ne-yo

Mmmm mmm yeah
Do do do do do do do-do
Ohh Yeah

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this
(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be

That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio

Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

Said I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Why can't I turn off the radio?

I play this song over and over again whenever I get the chance... it might be sad but it's a good tune!

2006-02-21T23:30:00.000Z

GAH!

So I had my 1st business paper yesterday - was quite pleased with it - that is until I found out that I had made a mistake on one of the big questions - that sent me into STRESS mode.

Today I had my 2nd business paper - again was very pleased with it - that is until I lost my student ID and Oystercard (i.e. travel card) later in the afternoon - that sent me into MORE STRESS mode!

I really have had enough of the drama. I just want this week to go by without having extra stress on top of exam stress. Is that possible?!!?!? I have to go sit for my exam tomorrow, without my ID and then have to take a writing test when I get my new ID, so that they can compare my handwriting to PROVE that I was really the one who took the exam. CRAZY! Like that'll prove anything. In fact, who would WILLINGLY take an exam for someone else???? Of course I could've paid someone to do it for me but really, why would you??? And if I did pay someone to impersonate me to take my exams, wouldn't I be cautious enough to get someone who could forge my handwriting or had similar handwriting to mine? BAH I don't know... it all seems so daft to me. All because a measly little piece of card is lost. It was merely a card with my picture stuck on it, LITERALLY! With glue! I had to stick it on myself even! *shakes head*

Serves me right for being so stupidly careless about my cards. At least nothing more important was lost. What's more annoying is that I had to get a new travelcard for the week. I had a week's worth of travel left on my old one, which was PERFECT timing. But nooooo I had to go and lose it and end up paying an extra 22 pounds for this month's travel. GRRR... don't even get a student discount! But at least I got a substitute Oyster card now... just have to get a student one now... which would mean incurring MORE costs... I hate this!!!

Tomorrow's another gruelling day of exams, one that I'm not very prepared for so wish me extra luck!!

2006-02-19T17:02:00.000Z

It's so quiet in here. I almost feel rude typing so loudly. But it isn't my fault, it's the keyboard. So here I am, on a Sunday, spending my day in the library. I'm slowly turning into a geek. Which I'm not too happy about coz I'm a complete lost when it comes to a social life. Of course I enjoy coming to the library coz that's where my friends are, and I suppose staying at home would be an even worse option coz that would mean I didn't have a social life at all!

I'm pretty much confident about tomorrow's paper but I can still feel a slight pang of uncertainty at the back of my head. I feel like there's something I don't know or haven't revised. But I've looked through everything and made sure I revised the important bits and looked over the unimportant ones, so what could I have missed???

So yeah now the library's closing and I've gotta go... so wish me luck for next week everyone! I'll be needing it!

2006-02-18T10:46:00.000Z

Yay! There will be NO TUBE STRIKES next week!!! Thank God! Otherwise I'll have to walk to the exam hall *grimaces*. Which by the way would take me a day or 2. Our exams are going to be held at the very prestigious ExCel building in the Docklands. I know, where?? It's a convention centre all the way in East London. The nice thing about it is that it's sat right by the wharf so it's quite nice. Bad thing is, it's too bloody far away! And it's too cold to be enjoying yourself by the waterside anyways. Furthermore we're having exams, not a blimmin' romantic day out.

Anyhoo, I bet you guys are wondering what my "schedule" will be like next week huh? Bet you're waiting in suspence just to find out! This is definitely the exam stress talking, I mean, who really reads my blog!?!? (Apart from my loyal fans *bows down to Shirli, Lionel and Christine* of course this is based on my tag board entries than anything else :P)

Sooooo my schedule is: *drum roll*
Monday, 20th Feb. 06 - Business Law & Practice Paper 1, 10am-12.30pm
Tuesday, 21st Feb. 06 - Business Law & Practice Paper 2, 10am-12pm
Wednesday, 22nd Feb. 06 - Civil Litigation, 10am-12.30pm (I have a feeling it's someone's birthday hmm.....)
Thursday, 23rd Feb. 06 - Criminal Litigation, 10am-12.00pm
Friday, 24th Feb. 06 - Property Law & Practice, 10am-1.30pm (3 and a half hours!!! Flippin' hell!)

So that's it people. My week of hell. Will blog soon if I can! (If I'm still alive!)

2006-02-18T02:29:00.000Z

It's been 2 weeks of hardcore revision, and dooms day is just around the corner. I can feel the stress, I can feel the anxiety, I can feel the fear. Have I prepared enough? Will I have enough time to answer everything properly? Will my mind go blank?

Generally I'm pretty confident about the papers for Monday and Tuesday because I've been preparing for them the most. But come Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, what am I to do??? I've got notes upon notes upon notes, but will they help??? They're all open book exams, but don't get the wrong idea, open book exams are never easy. You have everything in front of you, essentially all the answers in front of you; but do you have the time to sift through ALL THOSE NOTES!? In 2 and a half hours, can you really flick through every piece of material you have, every page in the book to search for the answers? I think not! So even though they are open book exams, do not mistake it to be easy. It is cunningly deceptive I say!

Nonetheless, to be able to bring everything (and I mean EVERY single piece of scrap piece of notes you can find) into the exam hall is comforting. We are allowed 2 arch level files of notes (this includes lecture + tutorial handouts, self-made notes, past year papers - basically anything you can fit into 2 files) and the relevant textbooks and statutory books. One would need a suitcase just to carry all that to ONE paper. I bet everybody (apart from the freakishly prepared) is going to bring all their papers in "just in case". That's what everyone's saying now, "just in case", and just to feel better to have it in there with you. I suppose it is nice to have everything with you but honestly I don't know how I'm going to be able to fit everything on that tiny little table they provide us with! I mean just the exam questions and the answer booklet takes up about half the table. We're going to have to balance our files on our laps and textbooks on our heads! Of course there's always the floor, and granted they would be placed there when not in use, but what if you need one file and one textbook at a time? Or worse, one file and two textbooks! OR EVEN WORSE, ALL THE MATERIALS AT ONCE?!?! Actually that's not possible... but what if???

All these random, irrelevant fears are causing my head to spin. Stress really IS catching! I've spent the last 2 days tutoring 2 classmates of mine on how to calculate tax and BOY! They must be the 2 most panicky/stressed out people I know! And spending all that time with them has seriously rubbed their stress off on me. I just really want to do well, is that too much to ask???

"I'm a bastion of knowledge... Look at me bastioning!!" - "always thought you were a bit of a bastion." teehee... LOVE THIS LINE!!! *bastioning*

2006-02-13T22:37:00.000Z

I think this is more accurate than the last quiz I did...

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

You give and take equally in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You are fickle and tend to fall out of love easily. You bounce from romance to romance.

How Are You In Love?

2006-02-13T22:34:00.000Z

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance.
On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others.
You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative.
Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you.

Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter.
You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything.
You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships.
Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily.

Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

2006-02-12T16:03:00.000Z

I don't know if I have this right but I think that this year's Valentine's Day shall be the 1st V-Day, since the age of 14, I'm going to "celebrate" as a singleton! It's been near 10 years that I've been in relationships with guy after guy, and to think I've never spent V-Day as a single lady. I suppose to all the loved-up couples out there will go "awww", coz it seems like such a sad thing to realize. Somehow I'm not really that bothered. When we broke up just over a month ago, the first thing that occured to me was that we didn't even get to spend ONE V-Day together nor his birthday, and we were so close indeed. Nonetheless, I still think that V-Day is just a commercial ploy for greeting card companies and gift-making businesses to make tons of money, because we think it's only right that we buy gifts and shower our significant other with lots of material love on this one day. This one day out of a whole year. Some would even say one random day.

You might think I'm feeling bitter because I don't have so much as a date for V-Day but really I'm not. I'm happy that all the couples out there have this one "extra special" day to celebrate their love and go ahead and shower your girl/boyfriend with gifts, flowers and chocolates. But please don't look at us singletons and go "aww" coz it's really quite depressing! hehe...

I'm not a romantic person in general, I don't like grand gestures and feel that if a guy professes his love way too much it will start to get stale; hence V-Day doesn't really hold much significance in my life, with or without a boyfriend. And this year I'll have the opportunity "achieve" something haha... I'll be spending Valentine's Day with me :D Or with my other single friends. I plan to get some roses and give them to all my single girlfriends. To remind them that they are loved (WE are loved) even if we don't have a man by our side. Try as you may to think that this is just a ploy to comfort ourselves. I will only deny it :P So what if I'm single? There are worse things in life to endure. Like exams! But seriously, I think people take being single a little too seriously. It's fun and it's freeing. I no longer have to think about what the other person is thinking, what the other person wants, what the other person doesn't want. I guess the only thing I miss is having someone to care for and to be cared for in return. But that's what friends are for too right? I know for a fact that all my friends care for me, V-day or not! So I'm lucky to have friends as great as I do :)

To all my most dearest and special-est girlfriends: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!! I love you loads!

2006-02-11T19:47:00.000Z

Look at what I found! Explains a lot about my failures in my last relationship. But if I had read this before I got together with him, I would've just shrugged this off thought nothing of it. Now that we've failed to make the relationship work I guess any explanation is better than nothing:

When Scorpio and Aquarius make a love match, it is a fusion of two very different life philosophies and many very different needs. There is much chance for friction here. Where Scorpio faces their inner emotional world directly and with an intense energy, thinking deeply about the more hidden undercurrents of life, Aquarius takes that same sort of energy and turns it outward. With their unusual, idealistic and, above all else, very social outlook on life, Aquarius seems an odd choice for the more introverted Scorpio. Aquarius needs a crowd to feel stimulated, and they're always looking around the room for the next interesting person to get to know. Scorpio, on the other hand, desires engaging, probing and very intimate time with their romantic mates. This pair may seem to have very little in common, but they both have such strong wills that, when focused on their relationship, can get them what they need and want.

Both Scorpio and Aquarius can be uncooperative and opinionated: They like things to go their way, no questions asked! For this love match, though, 'their ways' are very dissimilar. Scorpio is inquisitive, digging deeply into the hidden meaning of things, always asking questions and wanting to know where things are going and why. Aquarius is progressive and affable yet does not enjoy detail. Scorpio may be enticed by their differences, as Aquarius shows them new, exterior worlds but may end up frustrated trying to get answers from this eccentric enigma. Aquarius does not welcome possessiveness, either, preferring to belong to the world rather than one single person. But a stinging Scorpion can be fiercely possessive, and they require more attention than an Aquarian might be able to give. If Aquarius slows down and pays attention, they may find the devotion Scorpio provides to be a great support.

The Planets Mars and Pluto rule Scorpio, and the Planets Saturn and Uranus rule Aquarius. Mars is a revolutionary, aggressive and spirited masculine energy, and Pluto enlightens these impulses and adds a rebirthing, cyclical quality. Saturn is a cool, contained energy, and Uranus is about all things different and unusual. Mars is emotional, reacting without thinking things through; such is the nature of Scorpio. Saturn demands of Aquarius much hard work and discipline, while Uranus gives them that forward thinking mind. A gentle Scorpio lover, careful not to tether an Aquarius in too tightly can teach their mate about a life based on emotional intuition, one that quiets the intellect sometimes in favor of physical sensation. Understanding Aquarians can teach their serious Scorpio mates to calm down, to detach themselves from uncontrollable situations and to reevaluate their goals if they get off course.

2006-02-11T15:04:00.000Z

So let's see what I've been up to lately... revision. That's about it. I spent the past week in the library with my friends and haven't really managed to revise as much as I have to. When your friends are around you when you're trying to study, it never really is a condusive environment. However so is staying at home with the internet and the tv within reach. So either way, I'm screwed!

Nonetheless I've been studying more than I ever have in my life. I suppose that's a good thing. The library visits have also allowed me to develop a stronger relationship with my friends, who are now more than just my classmates :) I suppose, in the end, it's the friends you make that count... not whether you've earned a ton of money. The money helps though :P

Right now, I'm at home, the table covered in books and papers and still I gravitated towards the computer and as you can see I'm blogging now. It's been a really short week, time flies when you're having fun right? Fun as it is, exams are getting closer and closer by the day!!! It's time to really buck up and put in the elbow grease... otherwise my hopes of acing these exams will just be hopes and not reality.

Another pic from the other night, it's half of the class outside the restaurant on the way to the pub for more merry-ness! Enjoy!

2006-02-05T01:12:00.000Z

My bestest girlfriends from college :)

From L-R - Charan, Kaycee (trying hard not to laugh by the looks of it), Sheena and me (trying not so hard to not laugh :p)

That was taken at the "farewell" outing our class had seeing as it was the last week we'd ever be classmates again :( We had the best group of 20 in the world!!! Everyone turned up for the night of food and drinks, and everyone had a good time (needless to say). Sad we'll never be in a workshop together as a whole ever again. We had the best times and I'll never forget them! Let's hope we all get through our exams with flying colours! More pics to come (when people send them to me *hurry up peeps!*)

2006-02-04T18:04:00.000Z

I think that Vivian Green (song: Emotional Rollercoaster) best describes what I've been feeling the past few weeks:

Yesterday I told myself I was gonna be okay,
Gonna start a new day be truley happy,
I was gonna take contol of me,
But eventually reality hit me,
Mentally, physicaly, emotionally,
And I opened my eyes and realized
that I was still being taken for a constant ride.

I've been ebbing in and out of feeling good about myself and feeling completely miserable. One day I'd decide to forget about him and move on and then the next I miss him like crazy. Yesterday was one of those bad days where I couldn't get him off my mind and eventually I had to involve him in my emotional rollercoaster. It didn't produce a very good result as you might imagine... I think it pissed him off even. Nonetheless it did clarify some things for myself. I can finally say I am ready to move on as there's nothing there I can hold on to anymore. It's sad to see that our relationship could end just like that but I guess it's really not up to me. It takes 2 to tango as they say and how true that is...

I guess pissing him off was probably the best thing I've done for myself. Having him dislike me is a lot easier than thinking he likes me but just doesn't want to be with me. It's a strange logic but it works a lot better, for me at least. He wasn't the only one that was pissed off, I was infuriated myself. I was angry at myself for acting the way I acted, I resented him for doing what he did, and I felt stupid for being so emotional. Couldn't be helped I suppose... sometimes you just have to let all that emotion out so that it isn't bottled up. I didn't want to one day explode on him for no apparent reason... I guess the longer I delay it the harder it becomes to explain. At least now I can explain that I've been upset and angry for a while and needed to vent. Another few months down the line that would just look crazy.

Now that I know we're not gonna have a 2nd chance, I can just put it down as a great experience and move on with my life. In the meantime I will plough myself into my work and work on acing my exams :) What motivation! I might get distracted now and again with thoughts of him and how I still hurt, but at least I don't have to wonder what if. I tried and it didn't work. So no more what ifs...

2006-02-01T23:05:00.000Z

And Chinese New Year came and went... It was a pretty uneventful weekend but nonetheless very enjoyable. I spent New Year's Eve with Christine and her bf's friends celebrating his birthday (a week late mind you) doing a bit of wine tasting, then New Year's Day was spent having lunch with Wei Jing and her friends. You might've realised that I spent quite a lot of time with other people's friends. But what do I care, not like I have that many friends to begin with! I actually really enjoyed myself over the weekend coz I got a chance to go out again, and see 2 lion dances on New Year's day as well! I know it's a little cheesy for me to say I enjoy lion dances, but I actually do! Childish huh? It's just when you're far away from home, you appreciate everything you can get that is similar to home or just reminds you of home. I suppose seeing those lion dances brought back memories of when I was a kid, watching the lion dance in amazement and delight.

Nonetheless, I'm reminded daily that I will be having exams in 2 weeks time. All my classmates are fretting over it and desperately trying to compile all the notes that they missed out on. Indeed I'm trying my best to do that too. However revising is a whole other issue. Gathering information and notes is easy, actually sitting down to do the dirty work, i.e. studying, is a whole other ballgame. So the delight of Chinese New Year did not last very long :(

Christine came over on Sunday night to spend a few nights with me so that she could go on her shoots that were closer to mine than hers. She's been one busy model, with shoots lined up all the way up to her eyebrows! And she's been in magazines and exhibits, oh how I envy her *green eyes*. Hehe... It was great having her around the whole time coz it meant I could chat with her through the night even though we were supposed to be going to sleep. But the past 2 nights she'd been so tired she would just fall asleep as soon as I turned the light off! In fact she fell asleep last night even before I turned the light off... and I was still talking to her :P Then she decided to talk to me in the middle of the night, while still being asleep!!! hehe... Sleep talking. I found that quite amusing. It HAS been a while since I had another person in bed with me :p rest assured I didn't attack Christine at any point in the night... at least not when she didn't consent *cheeky grin*. And just now, Christine, myself and my flatmate went out for a nice meal at the Viet Garden (as usual) and thereafter Christine left for home :( *waves*

Flatmate and I have managed to fix her creaking bed as well (all in a day's work!). Much to my hands' dismay though. A lot of muscle was involved and we prided ourselves about the fact that we didn't need a man to help us. Although it would've been helpful :) I thought up the idea of strengthening the bed frame with string (and to my surprise we actually had a piece of string that was long enough)... not quite sure how to explain it but at least the idea worked! It's a lot quieter than it used to be now, so yay to me! And yay to my flatmate for actually tying the string around the bed, with my help of course :) Again, male help would've been appreciated. But not a necessity.

And more good news :) Jon and Jason have both found new jobs! *celebration* Finally they can get off their laurels and do something productive! Hehe... After a long month of bumming around and stressing about not being able to find a job, they've done it! Now all they have to do is start working :p

So I guess the new year is bringing some luck to everyone... except me. Still hoping...

2006-01-27T19:10:00.000Z

I have found THE most AMUSING website ever! Everybody should read the wonders of Engrish and have a great big laugh *chuckles*.

Come to think of it, I've been laughing a lot today, must be a good day :)

2006-01-25T17:04:00.000Z

Retail therapy is a tried and tested mood booster. I met up with Jason for lunch today and then made him follow me on a shopping spree. It wasn't that much of a spree as I only ended up with 2 items but the joy these 2 items bring is unlimited! Hehe...

So anyone in need of some happiness, just go out there and buy something for yourself, no matter how small or big, how cheap or expensive, it's bound to make you feel a whole lot better. Don't overspend though coz you might get yourself in debt. Just something enough to make you feel good about yourself :) I love my white jumper from Mambo!

2006-01-24T01:16:00.000Z

Okay okay, I know my last few posts have been rather miserable and all about how I'm bummed out about the "big break up" that wasn't so big anyways. The past few weeks have been very slow and each day I just try to get through by keeping myself occupied.

The weekend was rather interesting. What was supposed to be a lazy and boring weekend turned into a lazy but un-boring weekend :D Christine came over, initially just to meet up on Friday for coffee but turned into a long weekend sleepover! Brings back memories from when we used to live together. She'd sometimes fall asleep in my room and refuse to go back to hers even though it was just downstairs from my room. Anyways, we spent most of the weekend chilling in the flat and watching the whole Season 5 of America's Next Top Model! We managed to leave the flat on Saturday to do a bit of shopping and caught a movie - Memoirs of a Geisha. It felt as though I was on holiday! I didn't manage to do any work which led to much confusion in class today *mind-boggled* and having to start on an assignment that's due tomorrow. Thankfully I got through it and my assignment is ready to be handed in tomorrow :)

After nights of going to bed at 4 or 5am, it has left me exhausted but bogged down with a pile of work that was supposed to be done during the weekend. No longer am I ahead of the game, in fact I'm trailing a bit behind. I am still struggling to get through the reading for tomorrow's class even though I'm really tempted to go to bed. I've stopped to blog because I can't stand reading the textbook any longer! But I have to get back to it once I'm done here *pouts*.

I suppose you can already tell that I'm feeling much better than my previous posts. Truth be told I'm still sad, and I do feel like I'm miserable a lot of the time. What makes it worse is that this Sunday will be Chinese New Year and yet again I'll be celebrating it all alone. Before the breakup, his aunt and uncle had planned to possibly have a CNY celebration at their house but now I guess I'm uninvited. Hopefully I'll be too busy with my work to care. And yet again, not ang pow... *pouts more*.

I am still very much in the grieving period. I still want him back but the longer we're apart the more unlikely it's going to happen. While I miss him more and more, I know that bit by bit he's slowly getting used to not having me around and probably doesn't miss me at all. We're still friends and we still communicate but it's been a hard couple of weeks not having him around. Nonetheless I'm keeping my head above water. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger right? (ahh the cliche.....)

On a brighter note, I got my exam results back last week and I got "Competent" for all of them! Yay! I'm not incompetent!!! Also, there's a great volunteer position that has come up at a legal charity organisation, and even though I've made 2 emailing mistakes (1st one being that I didn't think to send them my CV and the 2nd one being I forgot to attach my CV) so all in all I've emailed the organisation 3 times!!! They must think I'm such a ditz. So everybody start praying and crossing fingers so that I'll get that position!!!! PLEASE *big smile*

2006-01-18T00:29:00.000Z

I'm starting to miss him even more.

Weekends are the worst. We always spent our weekends together. And now, I have nothing to do on the weekends but study. That's just bloody depressing.

I could opt to go out, but with whom? I don't mean I don't have any friends, but really who would trek all the way here just to go out with me? Just to cheer my sorry ass up? I feel pathetic that I'm moping around all day and feeling bored all the time. It always feels like everybody else have such exciting lives. The kind of life I used to have! And now it's all gone, just because ONE person is out of my life.

I used to complain about going out every weekend, I used to make a fuss about being tired all the time, and NOW, I'm regretting all that. I wish I could turn back the clock and make everything right again, and this time I'd learn to keep my damn mouth shut and just enjoy myself. I guess having fun isn't that bad an idea. But with me, having fun is sometimes hard.

It's hard to live on this street and while you see people out and about just outside your window, you're sitting in your bedroom watching dvds, or sitting it your kitchen watching dumb tv. Then you hear the thumping music coming from some idiot's car or drunk people wailing about what's wrong with world and how alcohol can help right it. Might all sound stupid, but really I would love to be in their shoes, just being carefree and having fun. They might have some deep-seeded psychological problem for getting drunk like that or whatever, but I wouldn't mind getting drunk once in a while, just so I can forget all my worries and move on with my life.

I know it's only been 2 weeks since the break up but it's not getting any easier. I still can't stop thinking about him and I still want him back. Worst thing is I can't tell him that.

2006-01-13T00:29:00.000Z

Wish We Could Go Back - Vivian Green

Remember wanting me so much
i used to tingle from ur touch
and i'd wait for you to come home
ur sittin right beside the phone
and there was nothing else but you
and who could seperate us to
i'd never know when we got lost
but now im counting up the calls

i wish we could go back (to love less complicated) i
i wish we could go back (ready to prove our love when they said we couldnt make it no)
Please tell me u miss that (that new love, crazy love)
cuz i wanna go back i know its possible
tell me you feel it too

What i wouldnt do to rekindle our romance
o what i wouldnt do not many get a second chance oh no
come on baby cuz our love hasnt yet died (it hasnt died we gotta give love one more try)

We barely talked we barely smiled
no hint of what we used to be
no courtesy and no romance
not to much left of you and me
but its not to late i believe
but baby we can get it back
cuz lifes to short for us to let
what we had die and just forget

i wish we could go back (to love less complicated) i
i wish we could go back (ready to prove our love when they said we couldnt make it no)
Please tell me u miss that (that new love, crazy love)
cuz i wanna go back i know its possible
tell me you feel it too

Lets go back (i know its possible o what i wouldnt do)
Lets go back (i know its possible dont you wanna go back baby)
Lets go back (i know ts possible o what i wouldnt do)
Lets go back (go back go back to the way we used to be be)

2006-01-11T03:18:00.000Z

I've spent the most of part of the night chatting to a male friend online. I think it's made a lot of things clearer to me about the break up. I still have a lot of unanswered questions but those answers can only be answered by him.

In the past few days, as you can imagine, I've been thinking a lot about why he broke up with me. Sometimes I blame myself for being so vocal about everything to him, even though they were really just words. Sometimes I blame myself for not being good enough therefore I didn't meet his standards, and that's why he dumped me. My friends have told me time and again that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't think I wasn't good enough, I really appreciate that they've said so many lovely things and such supportive things to me to cheer me up. Nonetheless it's still a big question mark in my head.

After chatting to that friend of mine I mentioned above, I started thinking whether what he pointed out was in fact the problem. I told my bf (now ex, of course) that I loved him 3 months into the relationship. Some people might argue that's too soon, and some people (like me) would think it's not that big a deal. What does that word "love" mean? It means different things to different people obviously. To me it means that I more than just like the guy. It means that I admire him and I care for him. It means that I was willing to make an effort to be with the guy through the good times and the bad times. But did it mean I was willing to be with him forever? After 3 months I doubt that was what I meant. I think the media, i.e. tv, movies, books etc have made "love" a four-letter word in a relationship. The moment you confess you've fallen in love with the guy, the guy immediately has "MARRIAGE" flashing in his head. The moment the guy confesses he's fallen in love with a girl, she probably thinks "Awwwwwwwww, he loves me" *cue grin*. (I discount the fact that there are girls that ARE unrealistic...)

Think about it this way, if I said "I love you" to a guy, does that mean I want to get married tomorrow? Or even in the next 6 months? NO! After only knowing the guy for a mere few months, it's not even remotely possible for me to think about marriage. Yes, you can fantasize, but who actually believes that that could happen? I would like to think that when I get married, I would like to be beyond certain that it'll last to even commit to an engagement. Of course, again being realistic, you have to account for the fact that you never know what the future holds and therefore you might run the risk of getting a divorce later on anyways. However, what I'm trying to point out is that, when I told him I loved him all I meant was I more than liked him. I didn't just merely like him as a friend, I didn't merely like him as, for lack of a better term, a fuck buddy. I more than liked him, I admired him for who he was, I cared for him the way I didn't care about my other friends; there was definitely a difference from merely liking him. So why couldn't I profess that I, in fact, loved him? Why did it have to necessarily mean I wanted something different from what I already had? Wouldn't the fact that I said I loved him mean that I liked (loved?) what I already had?

True, I admit that a part of me wanted him to say it back to me; but nor was I prepared to hear it until he felt the same for me too. Nonetheless I would like to point out that the distinction between the definition of love for the manand the woman is far from being the same! THAT is what freaking annoys me. Just because I admitted to an emotion I felt, he felt it necessary to read so much into it, that he decided to leave. Maybe I was wanting more, maybe I was expecting for the relationship to move up a "level"... but I certainly wasn't expecting it to happen the next day. All I wanted was to be "more than liked" in return.

That's the difference between males and females, while women are open enough to express their emotions to the person they share their most intimate moments with; men on the other hands feels it necessary to hide their emotions or supress their feelings EVEN with the person they share their most intimate moments with. And even if the two beings were wanting the same thing, it's expressed in totally different terms and thus creates misunderstandings.

I don't mean to sound bitter nor angry. I am just frustrated. He means a lot to me, and it kills me to think that I don't mean much to him. That MIGHT not be true because I honestly don't know; but because we have different ways of expressing our feelings, hence a mix-up has happened and I might never know.

2006-01-10T02:12:00.000Z

Here are my results from the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz I took... amusing :)

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Low
Pride:	Low

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

2006-01-09T01:08:00.000Z

I don't want to go to bed, even though I should. I'm so afraid of being alone in my bed and allow my mind to race with thoughts of him. In general I'm ok, during the day and most of the night I have the tv, the internet and my work to distract me. But when I'm in bed, nothing is there to distract me. There's nothing I can do but to think about him and hope to God I drift off to sleep without shedding yet another tear on my pillow. It's been a hard day to get through but I got through it, now it's time to get through the night.

Another ex of mine has asked me go back to him. I think it's rather cheeky of him to ask me now as I'm fresh out of a break up. But I guess there's no real good time to ask that kind of question. If I do go back to him now, it would only be becoz I'm hurt and lonely. To be perfectly honest I have thought about it, but I know it's stupid. Not only becoz of the fact that he's so far away, but also the fact that he seems to think that we'll be together forever; and I seriously doubt that.

At the time I did think he was the one. I still do think that he was the one that got away. But now, as I've moved on and I've changed, I don't think I am enough of the same person I was when I was with him to be with him again. Plus I don't think I can go through the heartache of having to break up with him all over again (assuming it doesn't go on forever).

Most importantly, I'm in love with someone else; albeit with someone who doesn't love me back.
The greatest thing in life is to love and to be loved in return. Yes that IS the greatest thing. Once you've experience unrequited love you will never really understand that song. We almost always assume that being in a relationship, the other person automatically loves you as much as you love him. But in reality that doesn't always happen.

If I was to be honest, yes the relationship had its flaws, yes something was missing (his love?) and yes we did have different needs and wants. But even with all its flaws and loopholes, I can't help but think that it was great anyways. Sure I had to compromise, sure I had to sacrifice certain things and sure I had to endure things that I didn't like, but isn't all that part of being in a relationship? With men I've realized that they always think that "if this is so hard, this must be wrong", but is that really true? I've been through harder relationships and even though they didn't work out in the end, it wasn't becoz it was hard which led to a breakup, it was due to being in the wrong time and the wrong place.

I want to believe that he did like me enough, or love me even, and that he's broken up with me coz he was scared. But seriously is that what it really was? I mean, he could've just not liked me (as Miranda said: "you're just not that into me, I get it!"). Maybe that's what it was? That would be more depressing than thinking he was just scared. I don't know which one it is. Obviously you know which one I'm hoping it to be.

However, I guess it all comes down to the fact that he didn't want to be in a relationship. Not now. Not when he didn't feel comfortable in his own life to be taking care of another's life. I guess it would be easier to accept if he fell in love with someone else, or had cheated on me, or still had feelings for his ex; but it wasn't all that. It was because he didn't want to be in a relationship, I wonder if he meant being in a relationship with me specifically? Again you see my insecurity in this.

As much as I feel like I should really get over it and just get on with my life, it's hard to just let go. It's hard to honestly say I'm ok with it. It's hard to be happy again. Right now, I think I'm entitled to be miserable. Hopefully not for too long... and who knows, maybe something good will happen? Let's all keep our fingers crossed.

2006-01-08T12:01:00.000Z

Bad dreams have been a regular feature in my sleep night after night. I have had dreams where I die, or where I don't die but want to die. And then it happened. He broke up with me.

I knew things weren't going as smoothly as he would've liked. But I really thought we could make it through this rough patch. I'm hurting so much. I try to cry my heart out but it doesn't help much. I try to forget about it by occupying myself with random activities like tv or the internet but every little thing reminds me of him. And when I go to bed, I smell his after shave on my pillows. I know it's only been one day, but I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can be without him and be happy. He said this was for our own best interests, but I don't see how it's best if I'm miserable like this.

Yesterday I was juggling between trying to be rational and being emotional, and yoyo-ing between loving him and hating him. At the end of the day I still love him nad I don't know what to do to forget him. We've agreed to stay friends, and I know that's better than not having him in my life at all.

It's not that I don't want to be single. I can handle being single. What I can't handle is being without him. It may sound pathetic, it may sound desperate, but I just can't help it. I know things will get easier day by day. I know I'll eventually get used to the fact that he won't be here. But my heart will still hurt...

2006-01-05T11:33:00.000Z

It's been bad dream central up in this head lately. I've been having bad dreams for a few days now, not necessarily bad enough to qualify as a nightmare but definitely not pleasant. Last night's bad dream, or rather this morning's, started out quite raunchy and weird; which then turned into something stressful and frustrating.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I had a stressful night. The bad part of the dream involved my bf's "relative" (who wasn't really his relative - weird how you project random people for different roles in dreams) not approving of me being in a relationship with him. In real life I have had problems with this "relative" before and hate him to the very core of my being. Hate's a strong word... maybe despise? You catch my drift. It shook me by how infuriated I got when I was defending myself to this "relative"... very similar to how angry I got in real life when it really happened. It's strange how reality and dreams play against each other all the time. Stress = bad dream, bad dream = stressful day. Since my day didn't start out smoothly, it's only natural to assume the whole day will turn into crap.

Had a semi-argument with my dear bf last night, mainly over text. I was feeling frustrated. I was frustrated by the fact that everytime I called him he was preoccupied or had nothing to say. I was frustrated that everytime I tried to talk to him online he'd get disconnected. I am frustrated coz I don't know why he's even with me. Everything on the surface seems fine, everything from someone's else point of view we're great. But is it really? I don't know anymore. I convince myself that any time now I'll feel safe, I'll feel secure within his arms but it's been months and I have yet to feel any of that. I don't know if he wants me at all.

Guys tell me it's simple. For a guy, if they like you they're there; if they don't they're off. But is it really that simple? What if he's only just realized I'm not the person he thought I was and wants out but can't say it? WHAT IF??? I'm so scared to lose him coz I know that I want him bad. But can you stop a person if he wants to leave?

We've decided to have a proper talk this weekend... I'm dreading the weekend now. I was initially upset that I wasn't going to see him this weekend but now that I am, I don't know if I want to. I've had the arguments, I've had the breakups, I've had the tears, I've had the everything. I don't want it anymore. Actually I'm almost confused as to which relationship this is, they all seem to be the same, and it's further assured that it's definitely me. Not them.

2006-01-04T18:50:00.000Z

I've been readjusting the colors, font sizes and my blog "description" for the past 50 minutes. I'm giving up on trying to reduce the size of the font for my tag board where the words "Powered by TagBoard" is unusually big. I don't know what I did to change it and I can't change it back to the way it was. Oh what do I care! It doesn't really bother me, apart from the fact my blog looks a tiny bit like it was created by a 80 year old coz all the words are really big.

I had a haircut today and put in some semi permanent hair color too. Doesn't look too bad and I'm sure the cut is actually quite good. I'm slightly uncertain about how it looks at the moment coz the hair stylist kinda did a botch job on drying my hair. She asked me before she started drying my hair "so, how do you want to dry your hair?", I replied "the normal way???". I mean what are you supposed to say? I've never really had a hair stylist ask me that question. So she proceeded to style my hair with flicks and random curls. My hair's straight. I want it straight. That's why I got it straightened. But I'm not too bothered, just have to rewet my hair and redry it. My way.

Next time I go, I'm gonna tell her "dry it straight". Will also be trying some highlights :) It's been a while since my hair saw any artificial color!

Oh yes! What a dufus I am... HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone! It's 2006 already! And 4 days into it even... how fast time does fly. I feel older... but not necessarily any wiser. I've been back to college already and it was rather overwhelming. After weeks of allowing my brain to rot the sudden jolt to get the wheels turning was exhausting! It was definitely a lot better than having to be bored at home though. It was also great to see all my friends again :)

I've still been feeling slightly depressed though. Something I have to consciously fight. I have to tell myself that I've nothing to feel depressed about. But I guess when you're so used to overthinking things and generally be dissatisfied with yourself, it's hard to pull yourself out of that routine. It always feels as though something is missing. That thing. I don't know what it is, but there's that one thing that's missing and until I find it I am incapable of being happy. Maybe "depressed" is too strong a word. I'm not depressed in the sense that a doctor would prescribe antidepressants or commit me to the psych ward, but I am mellow. Sometimes angry. Sometimes tensed. Sometimes very stressed out. But there's really no reason for it. Rather I can't pinpoint any one reason for it.

I guess I'll just have to continue convincing myself that life is good and that I really have no reason to be unhappy/mellow. Wouldn't it be great to just have an on/off switch so I can just flip it to be happy. *sigh*

2005-12-29T15:54:00.000Z

Snow day! It's a little late I know but here's the first day of snow that I've experienced this year :) All views from various windows in my flat.

2005-12-28T22:59:00.000Z

Post christmas is sooooooooooo uneventful. Just looking forward to New Year's Eve now... looking forward for 2006? I'm not sure.

A friend asked if I had a good 2005. I guess I have had a good year... I graduated for one... enrolled into a new course that I find absolutely fantastic... met a lot of new friends whom are great too. But I guess some of it was quite shitty too... like having to go through all the final exams TO graduate, having to write a bloody dissertation and having to go through a stupidly painful breakup wasn't all too fun either. But I guess everything happens for a reason. Following the breakup I met someone new and am pretty happy at the moment :)

Nonetheless, being in a relationship, rather a NEW relationship, can be pretty frustrating too. You have to go through everything you had to go through in the old relationship but with a different person. I'm not saying that every relationship is the same, of course being with a new person is amazing in itself, but sometimes a relationship can get a little overwhelming for the mind. I suppose being a woman means you have the whole "emotional" thing one has to experience. All those hormones running around and shit. That's the one thing I hate about being a woman. I want to blame it on hormones but sometimes I wonder if it's just me????? With every relationship I'm in I get like this... do I get attached too quickly? Do I get too clingy? Too needy? I spot it in other women all the time and smirk at the fact that I think I'm better than them. But in reality, I'm not. I get just as needy as the next woman. I get just as emotional as the next woman. But I don't WANT to be just as anything as the next woman. I don't want to be the next woman. I want to be me! I want to be perfect! I want to be the bloody perfect girlfriend, is that so hard???

I know what you're gonna say, no one's perfect. I understand that and I accept that, but I WANT TO BE PERFECT dammit! Or at least the closest to perfect as I can be. It's so frustrating when I know I can't get it right. I would hate it if one day my other half came to me and said he wasn't happy. And the whole "it's not you, it's me" conversation will follow, and I hate that even MORE than anything else. When THAT conversation comes up, it ALWAYS means YOU'RE the problem. And even if it isn't, I'll assume it is, coz that's me. The worry-wart. The paranoid one.

None of this is triggered by anything anyone has said. In fact all this is from my head. My stupid little head. All I do everyday, especially during the holidays (mainly coz I'm bored a lot) is think about this kind of shit. Especially when I'm about to come up to that time of month. Blame it on hormones I say!

I feel ugly, I feel fat, I feel stupid and I feel bloody emotional. I want to cry but I want to laugh. I want to be happy but I'm sad. I just can't freakin' decide! That's what's bothering me. How can you NOT be bothered? He says just let each day come and see how things go. He says don't put so much pressure on it. But I'm not, but I am. Somedays I think that's great, a carefree relationship, a pressure-less relationship, but when is that really possible? Especially for a woman. (Especially for an emotional and neurotic one at that.) Once upon a time none of this mattered. When I was 6 none of this mattered, in fact nothing mattered apart from having my daily meals and playtime. But now, it's complicated. And I feel as though I'm the only one that thinks it's complicated.

Well I suppose it's good I got everything out before the new year, hopefully I'll go into the new year with more positive thoughts. Maybe that should be my new year's resolution......... yeah right!

But all in all, 2005 was a great year. I cherish all the experiences and memories... I hope that everyone of you has a great new year's eve celebration and usher in the new year with positive and happy thoughts! (unlike moi)

2005-12-26T00:33:00.000Z

Christmas Day 2005

It started early, and by early I mean 8.45am early. My bf called and said he was on his way to pick me up to his aunt's. As you can well imagine, after a full day of baking the day before I was still in bed when he rung... I lazed in bed for a while longer thinking that he'd take at least an hour (mistake!) to get to mine. As soon as I could get my ass out of the bed I jumped into the shower and started getting ready. The buzzer buzzed 5 minutes into my shower and he was downstairs! Got ready super fast after that, thank goodness I laid out my clothes and pressies the night before before I went to bed so I was practically ready to head out the door, apart from putting on my face etc.

I finally left the house about 20 minutes after he arrived, luckily he wasn't mad (I hope!) *cringe* SORRY!

We arrived at his aunt's at around 10am and already she was hard at work in the kitchen. The house was buzzing with life as even the kids were up and running getting ready for the day. By getting ready I mean eagerly waiting for the green light to open their presents. It would be hours before the feast was to be ready so we just waited and waited, stomachs growling. I felt a little overdressed as no one else had really made an effort to dress up, whereas I decided to wear my new skirt *vain*. At least I felt a little special hehe... The Christmas tree was all set up in the living room with a mountain full of presents underneath it. My jar of cookies seemed rather insignificant compared to all the wrapped goodies that were awaiting their debut, but it didn't matter. Better than nothing, right?

At around 12pm Jon's aunt rung my mom to wish her merry christmas so I got the opportunity to speak to my mom only to find out that each of my family members spent x'mas seperately! And my brother conveniently forgot to tell my parents that he was having a party at home :p but we do that all the time so it isn't that unusual hehe... Being 8 hours ahead meant that their x'mas celebrations were just about to end as ours had yet to start!

Not long after the telephone conversation, "Lunch!" was finally announced! I was excited and filled with delight as my tummy had been growling pretty much since I awoke. As you can see on your left, we were in such a hurry to start eating the knife was already en-guard even before I could get a decent picture of the feast! There was turkey, a leg of lamb (mmmmmm....), pigs in blankets, stuffing (double mmmmm...), roasted potatoes, roasted carrots and parsnips, brussel sprouts and chestnuts! All on one table :) While it took about 5-6 hours for Jon's aunt to accomplish such a feast, it took a mere 2 hours before everyone left the table, stuffed like a turkey (or rather WITH turkey *ba dab ching!*).

What followed was the unveiling of the presents. The kids had big smiles on their faces as they opened their presents one by one. Chocolates were the main feature of the day as they received boxes upon boxes of chocs. Then there were the more special gifts, i.e. money and games. The boys were thrilled as they received envelopes filled with money from Jon and Jason (oh they spoil them so!) and when they found out that Jon had gotten the Need For Speed: Most Wanted, Oh My Lord did their faces light up! It was really amazing what a PS2 game can do to young boys... money didn't even excite them as much, it's a wonder.

After the present-opening, it was dessert time. There IS a pic of Jon's uncle lighting the x'mas pudding but the fire didn't show up on the pic coz I used flash :( oh well, I'll have the memory of it. There was x'mas pudding, mince pies, ice creams and my cookies :D My cookies didn't make much of a hoo-ha but I know they were good haha... Again everyone left the table doubly full and doubly happy. Off the kids went to start their new PS2 game.

The adults, on the other hand, started with the karaoke. By adults I mean Jon's aunt and uncle as no one else was quite as enthusiastic as they were. So we heard them sing love songs (to each other maybe?) from upstairs as we watched the boys play Need For Speed. We joined the Adults later on and found ourselves singing along, quite reluctantly, to songs such as Hero, or Sealed with a Kiss, or Rhythm of the Rain :S It was crazy! Also hillariously funny.

Stomach-achingly funny when Jon joined in on the karaoke fun and actually took the mic!

It's Unchained Melody and you'll have to hang me before you'll get me to listen to that song again!

But look at how much passion Uncle Keng Nam is putting into the song!!! Everyone should have that kind of passion hehe... Makes karaoke fun (and funny!) :)

Everyone was cracking up :P

But you haven't seen the best of it yet! There is more! Aunt Lily decided to turn the living room into a club and started playing dance music (from Jon's collection of course) and made everyone dance (except Jason and I though coz we were stubborn arses). At first it was Jon's younger cousin, Wei, that led the crowd, he danced up a storm; not to mention sang up a storm just before breaking out his moves which included the running man. Then before you know it EVERYONE (except Jason and I) was on the "dancefloor"! Busting moves like nobody's business :p But the BEST was when the Tan family did their Partridge family-esque dance routine, really no one should be deprived of their performance coz it was GREAT! haha...

Possibly the funniest and bestest thing I've seen all year!

And then there were two...

Gettin' jiggy with it :p

It's great being able to spend x'mas with a family, no matter whose family it is coz you get great pics like that! And you have the opportunity to feel the warmth and love even when you can't spend times like these with your own family. I do miss my family during these times, miss the fact that I'm not back at my grandparents' place celebrating x'mas and watching relatives get drunk and doing karaoke... even though I lament each year about going to my grandparents', I always end up having fun while I'm there. It's true that you don't know what you've got til it's gone :(

This x'mas has been a blast :) An unusual x'mas but a great one nonetheless.

And then there's us :)

(only in black & white coz it was fuzzy in the 1st place)

2005-12-24T19:17:00.000Z

Lookie at the cookies! hehe.... These are the cookies I made for my bf's aunt & uncle :) Talk about sucking up... Really I'm just trying to save money so baking cookies all day beats spending shit loads of money on gifts for them. I'm so over baking right now you have no idea! I've been slaving over the oven all day now. And now I have to clean the flat coz it looks a tip! Not coz of my baking but from lack of cleaning hehe...

Off to work then! Don't drool over your computer ;)

PS those cookies are an assortment of white choc + cranberries, white choc + milk choc and m&m cookies. Yummy!